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Often times I catch myself lost in my thoughts. I dream of vast worlds and endless universes in which I have a perfect life: something to be passionate about, a perfect body, perfect hair, a perfect face, wise from my tragedies but without the emotional damage. I am me, but perfect. Cinderella; kind, brave, intelligent, and without bitterness. In every single one of these he is there. Him. A faceless man with every quality I'd ever want, satisfactory but overwhelming. Reliable but unpredictable. Gentle but harsh. Open but mysterious. Funny but serious. An oxymoron. Unrealistic. Despite my many attempts to exterminate these scenarios, to shut the gates of dreamland forever, my fantasies seep into my everyday life. I begin to try and empathize with those who hurt me. I shut my mouth and tell myself to be kind. Isn't that what Cinderella would do? Worst of all, my longing for love forces my hand, blurs my vision. A boy with whom I've had three conversations suddenly becomes Prince Charming. An unexpected encounter with him becomes fate. A friend becomes a possible suitor, my future husband, my soulmate; unrequited. I'm helplessly sucked into the whirlpool of hope and wishful thinking, until I have a chance. Suddenly, he reaches out, he takes a step towards me, and I run. Why? Cowardice. I understand that the world is not my fantasy. I would rather live in a bubble, safe from the dangers of romance of which I have felt the keen sting. I promised myself the best. Never again. And so I have become a slightly more unfortunate Cinderella, doomed to run endlessly, and too damn smart to leave a trail for my Prince to follow.
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ReplyYou are an excellent writer with a strong inner voice. Definitely don't lose sight of your own inner story, but do make sure that what you're telling yourself is helpful for your own well-being. You don't need to be perfect to be loved, and neither does anyone else. Think of a pet you adore. They just have to be themselves and you love them, right? I would also encourage you to try taking a few risks with people, join some online dating sites and meet a few men in person. Dating and talking with new people can be extraordinarily fun, and the exposure to real people with quirks and flaws can get you out of the fairy tale mindset that so many people are conditioned into around dating. It opens up your mind to realize that everyone is an individual with a unique story, and you get the pleasure of unraveling that story as you get to know each other. Even if he doesn't end up being your happily-ever-after guy, I guarantee it will change the way you think about other people. You also get insights that will give you clues about what you're actually looking for in a partner. The perfect prince doesn't exist, but with time, trial and error, you will find someone who's a good fit for you. Then that fear will be gone, with confidence in its place.
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