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I’m going to write this down because I don’t ever think I could say it to you. I saw you today, for the first time since we broke up. I took my normal morning route going counter clockwise around the main hallways like I used to do until I would see you and I would come and walk clockwise with you and hold your hand and we would talk about nothing. I wasn’t really prepared for what I felt when I saw you today while walking counter clockwise. I wanted to be angry, or sad or feel nothing, but instead I felt excited and happy and maybe just a little angry and sad. The difference today was that I didn’t go clockwise with you, I just kept walking and so did you. What really threw me off after the initial shock of seeing you was that after you passed by my view, I wanted to see you again. Everytime you turned the corner and came into my view I stopped myself from smiling because I knew that if I let myself get happy it would hurt so much more when you left my peripheral. I couldn’t not look for you though.
The problem is that I'm good at pretending I'm okay. When I came back to school on Wednesday after the break up. I wanted to be okay, cause I knew you would be. I wore the best outfit I could throw together, did my make up and I even showered for the first time since Saturday. I didn’t want to shower before then because I think I knew that when you held my hand in the car Saturday and hugged me on my doorstep that it was the last hand hold and the last hug, and I didn’t want to let that go quite yet. I was okay Monday night and Tuesday, and I got through Wednesday, but then Thursday came around and I wasn’t. I wasn’t okay. I hid it with humor, but I wasn’t okay with going counter clockwise, and I’m not okay without you.
You have it easier, I think. You get the gift of knowing. You know why. If one of our friends came up to me and told me that you were sad and upset about the breakup I don’t really think it would help. Maybe for a second it would, but no longer than that, because you have the gift of knowing. You get to know what happened. You get to know why we, why I , wasn’t worth fighting for. You get to know what happened in your head the 12 hours between when you dropped me off in January and didn’t sit next to me in February. You get to know what happened when you decided I wasn’t good enough for you. I keep telling myself that you treating me like garbage for a week and a half means that I was ready for it to end, but I wasn’t. I thought about breaking up for a week and a half but I still wasn’t ready because you know why we aren’t together anymore. You know why and I don’t.
You know why we are never going to tie dye the matching hoodies that you wanted to do together. You know why we are never going to hang out in the summer in your pool like you promised. You know why you are never going to teach me HALO. You know why we aren’t ever going to have a Valentine’s Day together. You know why we will never get the chance to play wii. You know why we are never going to get through all the TikToks I saved for us. You know why we are never going to make cookies. You know why I am never going to visit you in the hospital and play board games with you. You know why I am never going to get to put makeup on you for my birthday. You know why we are never going to celebrate each others birthdays at all even though they are only 4 days apart and for 4 days we would have been one year closer. You know why we are never going to dance together. You know why we are never going to do anything together ever again.
I don’t understand what happened. I don’t understand why on Saturday, February 1st, you seemed a little off. I don’t understand why on Sunday, February 2nd, you wouldn’t kiss me as hard as you used to, or talk to me as deeply. I don’t understand why on Monday, February 3rd, you didn’t want to stay on Facetime for hours like we used to. I don’t understand how on Tuesday, February 4th, you told me that you would be a little off because you were going through a lot and that you loved me and gave me our last kiss. I don’t understand how on Wednesday, February 5th, you didn’t seem to care how I was doing after I got sick. I don’t understand how on Thursday, February 6th, you didn’t respond to my text until I called you and then you just played music. On Friday, February 7th, I don’t understand how you ignored me at the party and then said I was ignoring you, or why you never replied to my “I love you” text. On Saturday, February 8th, I don’t understand how you didn’t care how I fainted at the meet, or how that night at the dance you barely talked or looked at me. I don’t understand how on Sunday, February 9th, we didn’t talk at all. I don’t understand how on Monday, February 10th, we broke up. I don’t understand how on Friday, January 31st, we were perfectly happy.
If your friends ever come up to me and say that you were sad about the break up too I will ask them a few questions. I will ask them if you ever fainted from the stress of us not being okay. I’ll ask them if you ever lost your appetite because I wasn’t talking to you. I’ll ask them if you ever cried yourself to sleep. I’ll ask them if you ever stare at a blank wall for an hour because you can’t think about anything else, or anything at all. I’ll ask them if you have asked people to stop saying I love you because I don’t love you. I’ll ask them if you ever throw things at walls and pretend it makes you feel better when you know it doesn’t. I’ll ask them if you ever see a specific spot on the highway and and have to stop yourself from crying. I’ll ask them if the drive home from anywhere hurts you because you are looking at all the spots where we were happy. I’ll ask them if you can’t even pull through a parking space without thinking about me. I’ll ask them if you can’t study for a test cause all you think about is me. I’ll ask them if you ever can’t sleep because you are wondering if I am okay. I’ll ask them if you ever walk through the hallways and smell something that reminds you of me because today I smelled something that reminded me of your sheets because they always had a slight tangy smell mixed with wood. I can’t even walk without thinking of you.
You told me you didn’t want to see my face, but I couldn’t stop myself from staring at yours when I saw you this morning going clockwise like we used to. And I can’t stop myself from feeling that gut pulling like a mix in my stomach of nausea and a punch. I can’t stop myself from feeling the feeling of pressure on my brain everytime I think of you and I can’t stop the small smile that comes along with it. I can’t stop the burning behind my eyes like I’m almost backwards crying everytime I hear your name. I can pretend though. I can pretend I don’t go through my deleted photos every night. I can pretend I don’t sit on the shower floor and stare at the hand you used to hold. I can pretend these things because I know that you are going through a lot and that you don’t have time for those silly emotions so I shouldn’t either, but I do.
I know that these feelings are temporary. I know that it has only been 51 hours and that these feelings will go away. My mom says that one week for every month is how long it should hurt for so I only have 238 more hours of this. I also know that if you came up to me and told me you still loved me I wouldn’t hesitate. I know that I should but I wouldn’t, because I still get that warm feeling that you once told me that you felt near me when I’m near you. I still get excited when the phone buzzes and I still get disappointed when it’s not you. I still look up your sickness and your surgery, though I lie to myself and say it’s because I want to know if you could have any complications and that if you did it would make me happy but it wouldn’t. I want you to be happy but I also want you to hurt like me. I want you to get the stomach pull too. I want your brain to hurt when you think about me. I want your eyes to cry backwards. I lie to myself and say that you probably are sad in some way and that’s why you didn’t want to see my face but it’s probably because you don’t love me anymore, even though I haven’t stopped loving you.
I am going to keep walking counter clockwise in the morning and maybe even walk up the stairs to math through the hallway that passes by your government class. I am going to keep getting excited when I see you and that pulling feeling when I don’t. I am going to keep doing these things because I love you. I love you. You don’t love me. In 238 hours maybe I won’t love you either, but right now I do. I am going to keep walking counter clockwise because I love you so please keep walking clockwise so I can pretend you loved me too.
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