"I'm Fine"

Sometimes, or maybe all the time, there is this lingering longing for death or any form of escape that plagues my mind. Life becomes so overwhelming, painful, and eventually empty that I feel as if I can no longer handle it, that I am weak. And this weakness turns my mind against my heart. It manipulates me into thinking that I truly am worthless, a waste of life that doesn't deserve to continue living, that I deserve to suffer for everything I have done. Although I am conscious of this manipulation, a supposed lie that my brain tries to make me believe, deep down I know that this "lie" is just a nasty truth. But to the rest of the world, I must hide this side of me. I must bury these thoughts deep within my soul, to pretend as if everything is perfectly fine. Everyday, I wear a new mask. A different smile, a different laugh. A different me. And I watch as everyone around me laughs and smiles too, leaving me to grow jealous of how easy it is for them to be genuinely happy with who they are.

Sometimes, the pain builds up, simmering for too long, just waiting for the right moment to tear me apart. So I distract myself. I do things I know I shouldn't, I act out in ways I regret the next day. I create destruction just to prevent myself from imploding and destroying myself. As I selfishly protect myself from this inevitable doom, I push away those who truly care. With each one leaving, I become lonely. No friends, nobody that supports me. But this sudden quiet, lets me breathe. To be free of my masks and whither in my own worthlessness. Waiting for the day I die, or the day I am ready to end it.

Battle after battle, between this lingering sadness and I, I learned that I am a terrible person. I have done things no one should, although none of it has been illegal or harmful to anyone but myself, it is repulsive. As these disappointing actions escalate and amass, I realize that the darkness had won. It has drained the life from me; it has reversed the roles. Instead of I being the one to hide the sadness, to bury it within the depths of my soul, it is I that is being hidden, being buried barely alive by a neverending despondency.

I realize now, that this is all stupid and worthless. But at least I let it escape.