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Feelings are weird. Most of the times I feel as if I were empty, bored, exhausted and numb. Most of all, it was the emptiness I didn't understand how to deal with. But then at a sudden moment of realisation, I'd feel like I'm ready to cry a river.
It all starts with waking up and the struggle to do so. Most of my days as kid were easy. It was natural to be cheerful in the mornings back then. Somehow at a point, it changed. It was an internal battle if the day was worth waking up and going through all the activities. On some days, I'd leave the bed and start the day realising I had some compulsory activity and just did that one thing and the rest of the day was a blur. There were times where my parents, who never knew what's going on with me would ask me to attend college or wake up at all. Those were the difficult ones. No one, I mean no one in this world likes doing something they're asked and its harder when you're unwilling to do it in the first place. These times were such a pain in the ass. Neither would some understand what's going on with me nor would they stop talking, if at all they gave a shit. And times when I just slept in to avoid the world and life weren't any better. The guilt would eat me up alive.
The next would be getting through the day. Even if it were home or college or somewhere else, irrespective of the place, feelings knew how to creep in. Like loneliness. In a crowd I'd stand out. It was not that I was a social bee and these feelings came over me. To begin with, I always have been introverted but even with my own tribe, during a period of time, I felt as I didn't belong there with them and any event was hell. Facing people, more specifically. Standing conversations or talking was far off. The happy vibes themselves, suffocated and reminded times where I could be normal and not anxious as hell but that's the magic, isn't it? Somehow I found headphones or day dreaming to temporarily help me in drowning myself in my own sorrows without any judgement or interaction.
Returning home was like the candy store a kid chased for. But just like cavities to the kid, my guilt of being useless the whole day or the emptiness would fill me in for the rest of my day where I used to try finding anything, something to feel normal or feel anything at all. After several failed trials or mistakes, time to sleep arrived.
Not easy, I tell you. Till this point, all that happened was one thing but then came the overthinking part and losing sleep for hours comparing my own self to several others in my family or friend circle or anyone alive for that matter.The feeling of never being enough and fading away with time was scary, although I knew it was happening at that moment. Then some more guilt and reality check happened, Somewhere in between, sleep would bless me for few hours, although I used to wish for it to take over me forever.
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Hello there, it must've been hard for you but I hope you'll be able to see that everyone has their own purpose of living in this world and you're important too :) I know how you feel as I'm an introvert person as well. Socializing with people are one of the most things that I want to avoid in this whole world. However this course that I've chosen in Uni required social skills and I'm for sure was a bit overwhelmed by the fact that I have to deal with people especially when it comes to rude people. By the way, you have to know that you are important especially to your family. Find a hobby that will make you forget about all those emptiness, such as gardening or baking. Once in a while you can also go to a place where you can be happy the most. For me I would go hiking and sometimes I'll go to beach. Be strong, one day you will be happy. Have a nice day✨ I hope this would make you feel better and loved although it comes from a stranger :)
ReplyHey! I'm honestly overwhelmed that you are trying to help me. I'd try my best to try things you've said. But actually I was trying to journal all the experiences this way, so I'd say I'm not what I wrote now, more like referring to the past. However , I am quite happy that there are some nice souls like you out there! Thanks again!
ReplyI'm so glad that you're not what you were before. You're strong and loved by many people, remember that. The new you right now, please keep it up!✨
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