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idk what to do anymore. I feel like I can't even trust myself anymore. As a child, I was warned that love only welcomes heartbreak, and heartbreak ruins your soul. The pain makes you lose track of success, and you're left empty and betrayed. However, I let my young spirit free, as I longed to experience what this elusive love was. And i did. I found a boy, and he was amazing. Whenever I needed him he was there to comfort me, to hold my hand, to hold me in his arms until all my problems slowly drifted away. And I fell for him, so hard and fast, until I was undeniably in love with him. Whenever I saw him butterflies fluttered in my stomach, and a smile always seemed to spread across my face. My heart beat faster for him and I loved it. I loved how he always understood me. I love how he would gently hold me when I cried and needed him the most. I love how he accepted me for me and never asked me for more. I love how he told me he loved me, and that it was so easy for me to believe him. I love how I loved him, blind to everything else but the way he made me feel. I love how I was able to tell him everything about me, the good things and the bad things, and he never judged, only listening. I love how he would smile and blush when he got embarrassed. I loved him, and I was willing to risk everything for him.
But reality caught up to me. And things changed. I don't know what I did wrong, but all that "love" that I thought we had disappeared. Everything that I loved about him shattered and I was left broken and empty, as everyone said I would.
He contorted everything I told him, all my insecurities and overthinking, and told me that it was true. He told me that he never loved me, and that all of it was fake. He told me that every "I love you" and everything he said to comfort me was to hide how awful I truly am. He told me that I was ugly, stupid. I was a slut. And everything hurt. Everything within me turned to shards as the rest of the pieces built a wall so high and painful no one would be willing to get in. And on the outside, I put on a mask. A cold, emotionless facade that has become a part of me. I try so hard to forget him. Forget the pain, the memories, the way he used to make me feel. But, my heart still yearns for him, even when it hurts as it believed that he would be the one person that wouldn't see me the way others do. Naively, I believed that love would be worth it. That knowing that someone else loved me for who I was, nothing could break my heart.
But now I know..
I'm stupid
I'm ugly
I'm a slut
I'm worthless
and my personal favorite "no one loves me and no one can ever love me because I deserve to die"
Over the years, every "love" and emotion I've felt has ended the same. Sometimes I just stop trying. I stop feeling. I stop and pretend that I'm dead. I pretend that everything is just empty but in a comforting way.
And I don't know why everything hurts the way it does
I don't know why I tried to make "love" work
And I don't know why I believed that I'd ever be worth something
Because the only thing I've learned from this and my parents...
is that I'll never be worth it
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NO. You are more than what you are saying. You believing that you are what he told you is just making it seem like he won. And he did not. You are stronger than what he said. Yes, he hurt you a lot and you trusted him and he broke your trust and everything you two had. But you still want him and love him
,but at the same time you hate him for hurting you. You might think you will never get past this but you will. You will find someone better who will love you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated, and life will start to get better little by little. I wish you the best and I will keep you in my prayers 🙏. Unfortunately, I am not very good with words, and I don't know how to comfort people. When I read this my heart clenched for you might think nobody cares about you but a lot of people do keep that in mind. The people who love you are hurting seeing you like this I want you to open your eyes and see that you are loved, you are beautiful, you are amazing, you are interesting, and people love your company. If you were gone think about how they would feel. Don't forget that you are stronger than this and you will get through it ❤️
ReplyYou are worth being loved. This guy did this to you because of his own problems. Be friends with the next guy and take things very slowly. You will be wary now so don't get sucked in by his words. Guys lie to girls to get them into bed because they think with their dicks. Don't come across needy or clingy otherwise they can take advantage of you.
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