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As a child I had everything. I grew up in a massive house and in other people's eyes I was filthy rich. I have two wonderful parents that all my classmates were jealous of. And I have three older siblings, two sisters and one brother that love me more than you can imagine. I was always spoiled and had everything I wanted. But I also grew up knowing what struggling meant thanks to my parents. From a young age I was perfect. Always polite with a smile saying thank you and you're welcome. And then I was one of those kids that preferred books to games. My parents were so happy and proud of me. I was an excellent student and everyone was expecting so much from me.
But today I am 25 and I have nothing. Absolutely nothing. Of course I still have my wonderful family that I love more than anything but everything else went wrong. After I finished high school I went to one of the best universities in the country for a course that until today I don't know why I chose. As I started my classes I was overconfident and thought that I would make it without studying. Obviously I didn't. On my first year I failed on two classes. And since then everything went to downhill. After failing I just didn't have any motivation to continue. I honestly didn't know why I was doing it and I lost my way. I didn't know who I was and I had no clue what path I wanted to follow. I had to do a resit for both classes that I failed during summer but seriously I absolutely didn't care about them. In the end I actually didn't manage to pass. But I didn't have the heart to tell my parents that their perfect daughter failed. And until today 7 years later they still don't know. They think that I finished school, that I am still their perfect daughter.
Although I failed my first year I still tried for another two years but i just couldn't make it. Nothing was working for me. I was either too lazy or I just didn't care. I couldn't concentrate, my mind was all over the place except University. In the end I dropped out. That course was obviously not for me. So I decided to try something different. I moved to another country and started a new course. And guess what it didn't work again. This time though everything was going perfect. I may not had been an excellent student but I was good enough. I had many teachers that were happy with me and we had good relationships but this time because of my bad habit of not trying enough and dismissing anything that felt too much I missed my opportunity on just one course to complete it and well I failed again. I failed to get my degree. So I went to two universities and I have zero degrees. So now I have the word failure with big capital letters right above my head. From being a perfect and excellent student that everyone was jealous of I'm now nothing. Everyone around me already are getting good job, they are already settling down, getting married and at the moment I'm at a share house with three guys I met two days ago and I'm suppose to be a fundraiser for a charity I didn't even know existed until about a week ago. And I am terrible at being a fundraiser who goes from door to door. More like I absolutely hate it. The only reason I applied for it was the money. It's seriously a good deal but I hate it. I don't want to do it but I've been looking for a job for more than a month and no one reached out to me and I don't have any money. I don't know what to do.
Until now I've mentioned of all my failures and how I'm basically lying to my parents that I am having a great life and a good job. But well I did have a great life in the last 7-8 years. While I was failing at school I was also making amazing friends from all over the world. I had great opportunities to travel to more than 20 countries and I volunteered in 4 community development projects in 4 different countries. Which is the reason why I was looking for charity jobs. I don't regret anything from what I did in the last few years because now that I'm free from schooling I actually sat down and thought what do I really want and who I am. And I finally know. I love travelling, I love writing and storytelling. I love helping others, coaching others and giving them advice on topics such as travelling, cultures, diversity, mutual understanding, volunteering and life in general. But it's been so hard lately. I can't find a job and since I was never really able to talk to anyone about all my troubles no one really knows what I am going through. I was always very independent but I am not able to handle all this pressure by myself anymore and I just can't. I don't know what to do. I am all alone. It's just me in a foreign country and I'm really losing my mind.
Although I do know what I need to do I just need a push I guess. I just need someone to tell me that everything will be alright.
I never regretted anything before but at this moment I'm thinking if I just put myself down and had stopped being lazy I would have a degree now and I would have had a job already. And I mean I know I can't do anything about it and I know that I was not lazy, I had depression for many reasons but I can't help myself think that if I was not the way I was all those years ago I wouldn't be like this today.
I really don't know how to handle this situation. I'm so tired.
For now the only thing I can do is get some sleep and wait for the next day. And hopefully it'll be a better day.
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ReplySee, I'm replying to this post because I can definitely understand where you're coming from. I think for me it was the opposite; I wasn't great at school and I wasn't rich, but I got to university and started to do really well. But I'll tell you something. It doesn't matter to me. The contrast between school and university is so new to me, but I realised I don't actually care about either of them. I may graduate with a degree, however I know for a fact that I'm not going to use it. It sounds as though university wasn't for you, and although you worked hard and may have thought it was the right fit, it's sometimes not the case. Which is perfectly fine. Some people aren't made for education, I know that I'm not, and it sounds as though you aren't either. But again, it's ok. It's not a bad thing.
I was happy when I read this post because you seem to have found something that you really enjoy and love. That's step 1. You're lucky to have realised this, and while it may seem like a difficult thing to get into, if it's worth the effort then it won't feel so difficult.
I spent a bit of time travelling too, and I found that while I did enjoy it, it wasn't what I needed. I travelled 6000 miles away from home only to realise that the thing I needed was right where I left it. Every single experience you go through will teach you something new. Don't think of university as a failure, think of it as a new opportunity. You got to discover something that you really love, which you may not have noticed had you stayed at university. Regarding school and being a perfect student; we change. I'm not saying that you're not still that, but sometimes it's alright to realise we're not the person we thought we were. Sometimes the person we actually are is somebody even better.
I'd say to just take every chance you can get. If you want to spend your life doing a certain thing, look into how you can go about doing it. You sound like a determined person and so you shouldn't let your prior dealings with university make any difference in this. Think about what you really, really enjoy. Think about how you can pursue it, and by what means you can achieve it. Cheesy as it sounds, if you love something then don't be afraid to go for it. Going for it is the only way to know if it's the right fit for you. You went for degrees and they were maybe not the right thing. But if you keep taking opportunities and creating your own reality, then eventually you will find something that you'll never want to let go of. It'll be obvious if you've found it, believe me.
I wish you the best of luck, and while I may not have directly addressed your post, I hope it has helped in some way. Best of luck (:
ReplyYour comment made my day much happier. I know that I'm not a failure, and I get it now that perhaps university was just not for me. But I guess the pressure of society and expectations just made me feel like that what I was supposed to do. Honestly, I feel like I did a lot of great things in the last few years and even if at the moment I'm in a bad place, I'm sure things will work out eventually. I just needed a confirmation or a push to get up again and try for something better. And you certainly did that so thank you!
I wish you all the best in whatever it is that you are doing:)
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