Seeing abuse

When I was around 8, I used to watch my mum get beaten up by her boyfriend, even trying to write this now my hands freeze up and I have trouble writing.

He used to drag her down the stair by her hair and slam her into the walls, put a knife to her throat while I was laying next to her in bed while I would clutch on to mine and hers secret phone as he would smash all the others right in our face to show we had no escape. He would try to smash the back window screen when we tried the drive away in the car to get to us.

He was an alcoholic and a drug addict which turned him into the violent person.

Once I was sitting next to my mum on the stairs and he was taunting us and calling me names and the next thing I know he’s strangling my mum and I had to jump on his back and stick my fingers in his eyes to get him off her. He strangled her that much she was blue.

And that’s not even half the stuff that happens this happened years ago and my mum had two kids with him, one of which was not by her choice (she was raped by him) and he’s a changed man now and is nice and a good dad to my siblings.

But I still struggle everyday and certain things trigger my brain into thinking back to what happened everyday and it gets me so upset to where I cry about it nearly every night and I feel so pathetic about it because it was 10 years ago yet when I think about it I can feel the pain and emotions of how it felt back then. And I don’t know what to do about it.

I hate going out especially clubbing as it makes me feel sick and scared because when people accidentally touch me or even talk to me I think it’s because they are drunk it petrifies me I feel like I’m living my life on egg shells.

I don’t want to be this way