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What the hell am i doing?
4 years ago · 0
518
What the hell am i doing? Where am i going?
We all accept things over time. A failed goal that's never going to happen. A wish of fortune that will never be achieved. When do we have to accept the reality that we are not special and chances our that mediocre paying job is the best we will ever do. I'm not asking when do we stop trying. The answer is never stop trying.
Although one should never stop trying, when do we finally accept our failures and it stops hurting. I've heard the many answers from "It never stops hurting" to "Time heals all things". These answers aren't wrong. I've had my fair share of heart break and grief. This is different. This is looking within yourself and realizing that your limitations are about six lifetime behind what you thought they are. This is the kind of introspection that crushes your soul and turns you into the bitter person at the store you promised yourself you'd never be. This is accepting mediocre.
When do we know when its time? When it's time to give up on ourselves a little and accept the lowered bar? When do we accept the participation trophy?
How do we cope?
How do we cope with the fact that you'll never be that "more" you were hoping for?
I struggle to find the answer. I struggle to cope or to even get to the point of acceptance. So many people try to tell you that "It'll get better" or "You have plenty of time". Maybe i do have plenty of time, but if I'm not doing anything with that time then what's the point of having plenty of it!?
"Well maybe you should do something with it?"
To all who say this to me: Screw you. Screw you!
You think i haven't tried? You think i don't spend every waking second of my life trying to figure out who i am and what i should be doing?! SCREW YOU.
How is that even fair? How is it fair for you to ask me to try when, in my perspective, i'm trying harder than you even thought of trying. I wake up everyday, whether i feel good or not, and go to work or get done what needs to be done. I can't tell you how many people i have met that have told me to try and they can't even make it to work because they didn't "feel like it". I never feel like it! Heck most days i don't even want to get out of bed. I do though. I wake up every morning and force myself out of bed. FORCE myself to TRY.
What i'm talking about is when you've tried. You've done your best. You are still pulling last in the race. How do you cope with the loss of your own life while still living it?
I don't have the answers, but man do i wish i did.
Sadly i'm not sure its the knowledge id be looking for, willing to hear nor follow.
I am disappointed to think that i am so immature that i wouldn't even be able to listen to the answers i so desperately want.
I give myself credit for one thing. I know myself, maybe to much.
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