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I'm so weak. I let everyone down. Even when it's not my fault I find a way to believe it's my fault. I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling nothing, feeling everything. I find it hard to apologize. I think too much, so much it's hard to sleep some nights. I just think about everything, run on two hours of sleep. I make people mad, stress them out. I want to say I'm sorry. I wish my friends would leave me. I don't deserve them. My parents say they're proud of me, why? I am a failure. I mess up so much. They never get mad at me. They only tell me I'm trying my best but I know my best isn't enough. Why are they so positive about me. You can't love a failure. Maybe they feel sorry for me. That's probably it. I need a hug. I feel alone even when I see my friends, my family. I'm afraid they'll be mad at me if I tell them how I'm feeling. My mom will feel bad that she hasn't noticed. I don't want her to feel bad. What if I make her cry. My dad will be mad at me. He'll ask me why I never said anything. I don't know. I've been able to handle it for so long, nobody ever noticed it. I just deal with it, that's what men are supposed to do, we're strong. Never ask for help. I'm not weak.Put a brave face on and get through the day, even when you cry at night sometimes, sit on the edge of your bed with your hand in your face at 4AM and ask yourself why you cant sleep. I make sure I'm alone before I cry. I put myself back together, then get up. I'm better. I'm to happy to cry. I have to concentrate to calm myself down, I make sure nobody sees me. I have random thoughts on the quickest thing around me to kill myself with sometimes. I thought those were normal thoughts everyone had. I'm not suicidal, I don't want to die. I sometimes wonder what life would be like without me, who would cry and who wouldn't. Maybe that's not normal either. I'm not suicidal. I don't know what the definition of anxiety is, nor what it feels like. I don't know if I have it or not. I can't be depressed, I'm me. I'm not the type of person to be depressed. I'm too happy. I make too may people laugh. I'm a kind person. That's impossible. Depressed people are the ones that mope around and look like they want to die. Depressed people drink. Make bad decisions. Cause trouble. That's not me. I'm normal. I'm a good guy, I have too many friends, there's no way I'm depressed.
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I feel sorry for you. I can empathise what your feeling. When you say you think too much you probably have rumination. Rumination is the habit of excessive feelings or thoughts being played in your head over and over again. This can lead up to anger, stress boredom and suicidal thoughts. I have it too, it's horrible. I cannot sleep at night. I cannot tell my parents either. Im trapped inside my own prison, wanting to escape, being able to escape, but afraid of what people will say if i do. Rumination also gives a you a feeling that you cant define. Not boredom, not anxiety, not depression, something else. If you make people laugh and is happy at the same time, that just means you have part time sadness. You are sad at times, but happy at other times. If you cannot tell your parents, please, dont die. The world cant lost another great, caring, kind person, a person who is the best friend you can get because they think their friend deserve someone more than them. But that just means that no one can be better than you. Tell a teacher or a close friend and add that you cant tell your parents somehow. Please. If you are crying at night, please remember this.
ReplyYour bed has become the place where you lie awake thinking so sleep on the lounge. Before it is time to sleep do your thinking in another room. Then when you lie down to sleep listen to relaxation music and relax all over, then imagine yourself to be in a beautiful peaceful place. Every time the thinking starts push the thoughts away and return to the peaceful place and let your mind wander. Keep doing this at night until you break the habit of keeping yourself awake with all of this thinking.
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