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Ok, so, until this past year, the longest I had gone without sex since I lost my virginity at 16, was 3 months. That 3 month span was back in 1999, when my boyfriend at the time had to go through basic training for the National Guard. I am 40 now and have been used to having sex at least once a month but usually 2-3 times a month.
For years, I have been mostly dissatisfied with my life, dealing with lots of anxiety and depression. When my husband of almost 20 years, changed jobs in 2018, it felt like there was no way we would ever leave this place and that I would just be stuck here forever. It sent me into the worst depression of my life, I have just recently been pulling out of it.
I had been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching trying to figure out what I wanted and how to go about it. I had one thing that kept repeating in my head, and that was that I should leave. I need to be on my own in order to figure out who I am. That was the decision I had come to.
I had many conversations with my husband, who was very understanding and just wants me to be happy, with or without him. He knows that I have lived my whole life for other people and never for myself. I still have a few more years until my youngest is 18 so I want to wait until after that to leave but I still started to distance myself from my husband, no sex, no kissing, I barely even slept in the same bed after about 4 months I was feeling the urge to have sex and I explained that it wouldn't really change anything. So we did, twice and then things returned to our new normal.
Then it had been another 5 months and I was getting really, really horny, I started watching porn and masturbating which I have hardly ever done but I think that just made my situation worse.
I started thinking about my fantasies and things I wish he had done but he had been too timid to do when we were having sex. Eventually I talked to him about it all and we had sex, lots of sex, and he has been trying to be more accommodating to me in the bedroom which is nice but even though I told him that this may not have any effect on my leaving when the time comes, I worry that in my sex deprived state I may have made things harder to deal with later.
Right now, I am wondering if I should leave at all, and I know most people would say that that is a good thing but it kind of makes me feel like I am cheating on myself with my husband, if that makes any sense. Like I was finally going to do something for me, I was making plans for it and then I gave it all up just to get laid.
I worry that I will just stay because it's easier, or from fear of failing on my own, or because I have raised his expectations and I don't want to hurt or disappoint him. It seems like sex just made everything so much more confusing.
Any thoughts are welcome.
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What is so bad about your husband that you want to leave him?
ReplyNothing, but sometimes it's not about the other person, it's about yourself.
I have lived my entire life for other people, when I was young it was for my grandparents that raised me, in high school it was my boyfriend, later my husband and then my kids. I never had the chance to find out who I really am and what I really want out of life.
Replyare you imagining someone else? Doesn’t seem you2 are in love with each other. He should be fighting for you not to leave him. However, he must be thrilling you (in some way) if you’re still having sex
Reply