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I really dislike this whole existence thing. I don't have any mental health disorders but have been dealing with some depressive periods and suicidal thoughts. Previously, there were some things holding me back, though I've been at points of shoving that all aside before.
Honestly, I'm okay with my level of art right now, even though I know I could improve. As long as I finish my current animation segment for a group music video and post those gifts I have, all that crap would be taken care of. Yeah, my friends would miss me, but I'm only really worried about my best friend. The trip my band was taking this year was motivating me, but it's been cancelled due to COVID-19. I am kinda looking forwards to the band trip two years from now, though, since it might be to Japan, but wouldn't mind missing out on that too much if it meant I could stop dealing with everything else. I was really caught up on a Star Trek game I was coding and I still kind of am, the program I'm using being messed up like it is means that I might never be able to finish writing it, so screw that. I have little to no motivation for anything but I do things out of obligation to others only. I stress eat all the time, because whatever, I probably won't live beyond a couple years from now anyway. Exercise is for someone else, in my world, and my young person metabolism is only just beginning to fall behind (even though I'm really young).
So it really just comes down to my best friend, who has clinical depression and might actually kill herself if I went and did it first. Gosh darn it. If it weren't for you...
This is supposed to be the stage in life where everything pans out before me and I have all sorts of choices of where I want to go in life, but I've just stagnated as a person and keep pretending to other people around me like I actually have motivation in life. I've turned from a super bubbly, optimistic, high-achieving person into someone who doesn't really feel like a person at all. I have no interest in talking to a counsellor about stuff, really, but also don't want to unload on my friends because that wouldn't be good for them to have to deal with.
This entire thing feels really stupid because I have a good life. I have pretty good parents, a great relationship with my brother, and good friends. I have no right to feel like this.
I'm not looking for solutions or anything. I just had to write this somewhere.
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