I just want to be happy, but I'm tired

I am a woman in her 30's and I have been trying to seriously date for over 8 years. In that time, I have not been able to be in one solid relationship. I work a medical night shift, so it is hard to meet people due to my work schedule and I have PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome). Yes, I have irregular hair growth, which I stay on top of consistently, and I have excessive weight gain, which I diet and try to keep a regular workout routine. Unfortunately, I have not be able to take the weight off; only able to keep it from getting worse. I have tried numerous medications, weight loss programs, even tried starving myself, but I still weigh 200lbs. I've always been right around 200lbs. The skinniest I was ever at was 185lbs. Yes, I have considered weight loss surgery, but that is all out of pocket with payments I cannot feasibly afford. I know that I am a decently attractive woman, but it always seems to be over looked by my weight. I have lost count of how many dates I've gone on from dating websites and friend introductions, every time they find my pictures attractive , and yet once they see me, they regret me immediately or within a couple of days. I'm usually careful, trying to show every angle of my body to show my weight, I express that I'm bigger than I appear in pictures, and yet EVERY TIME, I'm convinced I'm pretty or cute or that "weight doesn't matter". And yet they always say the reason they couldn't date me was because of my weight.

I was so hopeful the time.

The guy kept assuring me that there was nothing wrong, we talked for hours on the phone talking so easily, we had so much in common and he kept saying I was beautiful to him. I waited a while before we agreed to meet in person. He greeted me with a hug, we hung out for hours, and I left. Our conversations were never the same after that. I waited days before finally bringing it up. He admitted I was not what he was expecting. He still thought I was "an amazing person with a great personality" and even said I was cute, but he was turned off by the weight.

I'm just so done.

I've been on 10 dates within those 8 years (I take recovery time in between). EACH ONE has done and said the same thing. All I have ever EVER in my whole life was to be a good wife and a good mother. My career is alright, my family is supportive - I shouldn't want for more. But I have begged, prayed, and wished for someone to finally come into my life who I can make happy, to love, and care for and who would do the same for me. I have wished so hard since I was 4 years old. And yet I have been hurt so much, I have been so lonely.

I have been told thousands of times for most of my adult life: I'm a great friend and a great lay. So many guys have said they would bang me, so many of them have begged me to sleep with them - say I'm sexy and good at it. And yet I'm not worthy enough to date. That's why I said no to "casual dates or lays" 8 years ago. Because I just want to find the one thing I have been dreaming of my whole life. I just want to be happy and be that special someone in someone's life. I want to make someone happy. I'd suffer through torture, humiliation, ANYTHING just to finally have someone special and create a family of our own.

I want kids...I want a husband...I want to make memories that make life worth living.

I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting throughout every aspect of my life; on an eternal wheel, never making progress and just slipping by. I've tried moving, I've tried other jobs, I've tried improving myself, I've tried so many paths. Yet nothing changes and no matter what I do to fix it, it just breaks in my face. I try to be so strong for everyone I know. I want to be there for others, I want to be the nice girl everyone knows who would do anything to make others happy.

But I'm in pain, physically and mentally. I hate how much I just want to give up. I hate how it gets so hard. I hate how everyone just says "this is nothing" "just get over it" "I don't know what to tell you".

I know there is nothing that can be said to make things better. I know that no one can pull me out of this but myself.

But I'm tired. I just want all this pain I feel physically, mentally, and even spiritually to just end. I can't take this anymore. I'm tired of having a light in the dark tunnel only to be ripped from me. My life just feels more like a convenience for others. I want to have a reprieve at least - just let me sleep and feel nothing and at my darkest times, I just want to end it.

I'm sorry to be ranting and raving over things that probably seem like nothing to anyone else. I don't want to burden anyone. I just can't take it. I just wanted to say something without getting yelled at or having to feel ashamed for stressing someone out.

I'm sorry. I'm tired.