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you know i lied to you then, right? when you asked if the strain in our relationship was just the underlying power dynamic or possible romantic feelings on my part. i said no, but should've told the truth. should've come clean but i couldn't. i was too much of a coward.
would things have changed? would you regard me differently? you say you're always one step ahead of me in these emotional issues, you're way more observant than you let on - so maybe you know it anyways. you just decide not to say anything. and i don't know which is worse. you not knowing or you knowing and not saying anything.
i want to say i'm over it now. but truly, if i ever had a change, if you came to me drunk on one of those saturday nights and said that you loved me, had romantic feelings for me, wanted to try a long-distance relationship with me - i'd do it in a heartbeat. lord knows what would happen, but i'd do it. maybe our friendship would be destroyed for good. maybe something beautiful would come out of it. i'll never know.
we laugh about it a lot, say we're gay for each other, call each other wives. you said i'm your best friend, that you'd teach me to kiss if i ever came over (that was when you were drunk, but you do tend to be more open when drunk). do you know how all of that pains me? how close i am, and still not?
one thing i am sure of; you've left a permanent mark on me. and i'll never forgive/forget you for that.
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