Frustrated

You know I have never admitted my feelings, not even once, okay , that is a lie ... actually I try to be honest with myself. Yet I bottle up alot and those true feelings are like a pressure cooker waiting to pop. I have not let it pop, and now they are all boiled up and I do not know what to do!!!!

I try not to think, this helps, meditation keeps its calm, only there still there like a psychopath wanting to break loose. Normal I do not have time to address them, only I am stuck at home and they are banging on my door! I close my ears especially when little whispers come, saying that I should slit my wrists. It complete nonsense! I have an amazing life, everything is pretty much perfect and if I need a drama lama, I can call up a friend and listen. I am the stable rock of support and I do not feel burdened listening to others as I try escape my own.

Only ... where did I go wrong? Tears swell ... I have this constant feeling that I do not belong. I get along so well with people, my friends laugh when I even try to tell them this. Yet every-now and then it comes again ... screaming that I am not doing my life's purpose but offering no advice to what it is! I yell back, stuff purpose, we arrive on the planet naked and leave naked so just f-ck off, who says I need to do anything! Problem is it DOES, and even though my life is fulfilling, I checked all those steps, kept my ego tame, try to live with kindness and gratitude... it comes again ... you do not belong there ...

Okay, if you managed to read this far, applause cause now is where it gets really weird and this is the part that I do not tell anyone ... except today.

So first up, I have no history of mental disorders, and I activity read psychology books, I surprise people with what I know and have listen to courses and even got as far to buy the study material. I have also researched self help and spirituality to give both sides a far chance, dabbled in religion and retain my skepticism, logic and analytical composure.

I believe we all have an inner-voice that comes naturally to us when we listen to our heart. I also believe we resonate more than we realised that books have labeled law of attraction.

This is why, I try not to focus on negative thoughts and train myself to also not think too much, to be the observer of my life's dream. I will try not get complicated her of dive into theories, this was not my initial intention when I started to write this.

Yet what does creep me out, is how quick my thoughts can effect my life, okay, thats common sense but I get terrified to think bad of others as then really messed up things start to happen, immediately. You could say its coincidence but I have had too, too many incidences of cause and effects to let that one slip!

Great, then just go win the lotto, you are thinking ... it does not work quiet that way as it depends on your desire, yes, it be cool, but unless I can convince my heart, why its justIfied, deep down, I know its not my path and it will not happen, stress the will-part!

Yet when I look at my path it does not lead anywhere, its more like a ball floating in-space and that is fine, I can enjoy it as I go, but why do I want to go back so bad, why do I remember a place not of Earth and why does it bother me, so freaking much! When I do try find others, I often find spiritual nutters, sorry but I have encountered so many, ready to bash their beliefs out with little to no common sense. It feels so unfair, and lonely to be part of a memory, everybody else has forgotten. I feel like the stupid system could not get it right ... yet when I voice a protest, I get told the paperwork is in order. I get told that I have a special connection and that I should share this knowledge as very few can reach them. Call it, selfish but I just do not want to be called to this position ... So they ring occasionally, to remind me, and this has been going on for years the calling ... and calling and calling ...

I have even said, yes, once, I will do it, in the hopes to stop their loving calls, but they saw right through my bull ... and saw the lack of commitment and said again, they will wait.

Arrrg!!! I hate you! 2020 and your the loudest and I probably got to start listening or it will hound me, for my next hundred lives as that is what it does ...

It is the future you, making sure you go in the best direction. Ain't that a twist! Ask yourself ... how are you coping?

Only I am curious, to hear what you think? Am I mad, in denial, pretty sure, most can relate to a voice calling them and guiding them ... I have even turned it on mute... yet that gave a guilt trip and after awhile, I just stopped caring about it all, who cares if I-disappoint millions by not sharing knowledge, somebody else will come along ... only that nagging feeling and calling tells me, it wont ... I am being a selfish xxx , I can do this ... but it be so much easier to slit my wrists and prolong the dream but because I know it, and the repercussions, it just kills the kick and its purpose. You bastards, made me too smart. Fudge it all ... I will probably need to take the skeleton out of the closet and the real shell of my being ...

as tomorrow never comes ... its all now or never as I cant listen to that darn telephone ringing in the distance ... forever!!!!!!