My Unsent Letter

Dear C,

I am so sorry for the way I have treated you over the past years. I took you for granted. I don't know how to love. I don't know how to accept love. You showed me so much kindness, love and understanding that I threw it back in your face. I want to work towards becoming a better person, it just feels so hard right now.

I never wanted to hurt you. I know you will be okay, it is just painful to lose someone like you from my life. Nothing is your fault. It is my fault and my trauma that has caused me to behave the way I do. I am scared. I am scared of looking back and regretting my decisions. I want to heal and move on but the way forward seems foggy and uncertain. I wish I had left things good but I left a train wreck behind me. I left damage and anger and dishonesty. These things stray far from my values and I am disappointed with myself.

I do love you C. I know you think I don't, I know you don't trust a word I say. I appreciate you so much and I can't express how sorry I am for not showing you the respect you deserve. I am sorry I am realising too late when the pain, hurt and damage has already occurred. I don't value myself, my self-worth issues need working on. These issues within myself have impacted you because I don't feel like my actions can hurt anyone because I don't matter. I need to begin to learn this isn't true. I know you think that most of my issues come from my ex. They partly do, but mostly it's childhood trauma. I haven't been taught to process my emotions effectively, to express my emotions effectively. You're right, I do use people to fill a void in my life, hoping something they can give me will fix me. I know that's wrong. I am caught in a cycle/pattern right now that I know I need to fix. From H to you to J to you to S to you, back to S. This is not a healthy way to handle my trauma. I have not fixed anything from this pattern.

Each of you thought I was amazing and beautiful and loved me wholeheartedly. I found it hard to accept. I resisted the love I was shown, cut my ties and ran. Even though I want to accept love when it is there I get scared when the stakes are too high.

Thank you for tolerating my BS. Thank you for your unconditional support and love. I hope one day I can show that kind of love and acceptance to someone. I hope I can make it up to you by being a better person and loving myself.

Thank you, I'm sorry, I love you.