its 5.49 am and Im in despair...

I just don't know what to do about my life anymore... I couldn't fall asleep easily fir more than 20 minutes. It has been for quite some time. no, I think for years actually. It's so hard to fall asleep when there's no one beside me. I've been to a boarding school for 5 years and for 5 years, I would usually sleep with my partner... yes I was bi. I was in an all-girls school. I had severe feelings of unworthiness in myself, self-harming like punching walls to make me less stressed and all. I don't know, I just thought that I was stressed and not something else. In my country, mental health awareness was low at that time. highschool was great but I chose to be social and that did affect my studies. plus, I was rebellious and I was known (not sure) having affairs with juniors and seniors but at the same time, I had boyfriend hahaha weird right? I 4 relationships at the same time but it's okay but one time, there was a tragedy that happened to my dorm. My dorm suddenly went on fire when I was in my senior year due to my junior's powerbank that exploded in her locker. I was the victim in that situation. Everyone like nearly everyone blamed me because I did sinful things in that dorm that's why. I was blamed, accused and roasted by my classmate and all. I started to blame everything on myself and started to change. I decided to stay away from my partner and study my ass off. but in the end, I'm still on that track again. i seek help from someone, she did help me throughout the process but it was me who cant endured my lust. i was so stupid.

My family is okay. but at certain points, they set their expectations on me higher than I expected and It crushed my heart when I know everyone was disappointed in me because I'm the youngest and all my siblings had good grades. My mom always compared me with her friend's child. It breaks MY HEART EVERY SINGLE TIME. I just don't want to be sad in front of others because I don't want them to see me weak because I HAD enough of the criticism about that in the past.

So, to be clear, my country started RMO (not lockdown yet) a month ago to be exact and I'm still here in my university because I'm one of the 80,000 students that were stranded in college. I know everyone is having a hard time during this pandemic outbreak but I was really not myself for a month staying here. I felt tired, so damn hard to fall asleep. my skin is breaking out because yeah I'm not sleeping at night. just like owls and bats. I just cut my hair yesterday but it didn't make me happier. my assignments are delaying because I don't have enough energy to do it. I fought with my friend(highschool) because she was jealous of me making new friends in college. THIS IS TIRING. I tried to call the suicide helpline but there's no one to pick it up because of RMO. even my boyfriend didn't pick up my call when I need him.

I'm starting to blaming myself for being not good enough for others. had panic attacks and I started to think of people who left me without explanation(damn it hurts) and a lot of things happened. I always thought that I was just stressed but

" what if I'm actually depressed". That thought suddenly came through my mind.so I searched in Mr.G " how to know you have depression" and WOW I TOOK THE TEST ONLINE THEY ALL SAID I NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP and had severe depression. I check the symptoms aand signs, WHY EVERYTHING THERE IS SO RELATED TO ME???. I took the online test on a different webpage, they all said that I need to get some help. I just literally shocked and cried because of the results, Can't believe I had them. suddenly my anxiety came, it's hard struggling alone even though I have a friend here but is had. I don't trust people anymore. saying empty words won't makes a big deal. I find everyone is so hard to be trusted and I know what they will say if I told them my situation right now. I'm writing this here because I just don't know where anymore or who should I trust or what. I'm an extrovert. people always see the happy and goofy side of me yet... I'm dying inside :) my friends once advised me that I shouldn't post tweets or anything that's related to my problems because it's kinda immature. LIKE WHO ARE YOU GIRL BEING SO MATURE ABOUT??? WE ARE JUST 19 gosh even though I did post my feelings and spamming tweets in my social accounts. I ended up saying sorry and feeling stupid, worthless, judging myself for annoying people. when they know everyone who is far from their family during quarantine has mental breakdowns and all. oh yeah, I thought I was sad and just stressed and all. depression? I will never tell this to others. I just don't want them to be worried about anything. furthermore, I'm diagnosed by professionals yet. so yeah... let's just wait for the corona thing to end first before I go there.