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Dear you,
Today is the first of many firsts. Today is the first year in many years that I will not be spending with you. I can’t even begin to describe how painful this is. I feel like I’m suffocating. I feel like I can’t breathe. All I want to do is text you and wish you a happy birthday but by doing that, I would be hurting myself even more. I have been caught in this continuous on and off loop for many years and I simply cannot allow myself to be sucked in again. There is nothing more I want to do than to hug and kiss you and congratulate you on this day. Your twentieth birthday. I want to tell you to reach for the stars and follow your heart. I want to tell you that your life is just starting and you should make the most of it. I want to tell you that I love you. I can’t let myself get hurt again. I have to get used to the upcoming years without you. Although it pains me, I strongly believe that it will be beneficial to both of us in the end. This never ending loop had to end somewhere. We have reached the end of the train tracks and if we keep going we’ll eventually crash. I am choosing to save us both from the damage by walking away. Happy birthday my love. I hope that one day when you’re happy, settled down, married, with kids that you will understand why it is what I did. Please stay safe.
Love you always,
J.
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