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Ever since Quarantine started, I feel like my mental health has dropped dramatically. Not being able to see my friends make finding reasons to live, ten times harder. It's just my aunty and I that live together, my aunty is someone who is physically and emotionally abusive. She complains about how ever since I came into her life, everything went downhill for her, she blames me as the reason for ruining her life. Obviously because of Corona and having to isolate, I am constantly having to spend time with her. She's very controlling and gives me little to no privacy. I personally believe she is a toxic family member, who I am waiting to cut out of my life. I turn 18 next year, and I already have made plans to move out. She also attacks me for spending so much time in my room, yet little does she realise I use my room as an escape because its the only place I can go without feeling judged. My room makes me feel safe, she complains I'm on my phone and laptop too much but my phone helps me stay in contact with my closet friends who care about my wellbeing more than she ever will and my laptop stops me from committing suicide. I have tried talking to her about my mental health and sometimes I feel like ending it all and she immediately tries to turn it against me and say that its not her fault that I'm mentally unstable. She says that I'm the reason why I get bullied at school and why no one likes me. Obviously, this takes a major hit on my mental health, because I'm very sensitive to what other people think about me and their opinions. I have realised I've become a different person over the years of living wth her. I feel like she's taken my self confidence away from me, and my self worth. I feel like I have severe depression and anxiety but I am unsure of how to get help.
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Quarantine has been a blow to my mental health, too. I thought I was doing ok and then two weeks ago I just sort of crashed and had the longest depression spell I've had in months. It's important to remember that it's not your fault, even though it's pretty hard to remember that in the moment.
Obviously I don't know the whole story of your relationship, but it does sound abusive and toxic, and getting out when you turn 18 definitely sounds like a good plan. (Stick to it and don't let her change your mind.) Other people can definitely take our self-confidence away, even when they don't mean to, and getting it back can be hard. (I love my roommate, but sometimes she says things without thinking that seriously make me question all the decisions I've made.) A good support system (like the friends you talked about) is the key. They're the ones that can inspire you to keep up the hard work it takes to regain it.
If you haven't been diagnosed with depression or anxiety, I would try getting help from a professional. Not because I want to tell you to "just go to a doctor," but because it really helped me. Like, a lot. You could go to your regular doctor who can refer you to someone, or a therapist/psychologist. They can help you work through not just the bad feelings, but the causes and solutions. (They can also help you decide if you should consider medication, but that's TOTALLY up to you.) Going to a therapist, and eventually a psychiatrist, were a huge, huge help for me. I've dealt with my anxiety and have it under control (for the most part), and haven't had an anxiety attack since I started 4 and a half months ago. Now we're working on my depression. It's really hard work, but having someone help you is incredible. Consider it if you can. And definitely stay connected to your phone and computer. Your mental health is way more important than somebody thinking that you "spend too much time" on them.
Lastly, don't be afraid to call a hotline, whether you're thinking about hurting yourself or not. Somebody helped me in a really, really anxious and depressed moment, and somebody else kept me from really seriously hurting myself. You can do this. Depend on your friends and focus on yourself-- taking care of your mental health is never selfish or a bad thing. You WILL get through this. I promise.
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