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Hi all, Hope you are safe and well. I was born to find my mom abused by my father verbally and physically. She always encouraged me to do sports and engage in activities. Which made my father very angry at that time. So my mom used to carry me pretending that I was asleep so my fathee couldn't find that I was going to my swimming workout, Sometimes he finds out, so he abused her, and I try with all my childish strength to protect her. On the other hand my mom is not that good as wife in regards housework, but she is a very professional Dr and she likes her job very much, I see it in her eyes, she likes helping the patients so much. They got divorced when I was 7. He forbiden her from leavingvthe house. I remember very frightening moments when she tried to take me and escape but he got up and run down the stairs of the building behind us and he caught me and she ran. Those were very frightening moments for me. I remember him telling me dozens of times that I am not his child and doesn't want me to know him again. this is recaptured when I was 10 years old. Things got stable, I went to live with my mother in a downgraded appartment which he was inforced by law to buy it for us. few years later. Things got better my mother travelled abroad for work and I stayed at my father (forgetting about my father previous behavior)
(He was always normal and fine with everyone, he always try to please everyone, but inside tge house he insulyed all those people he talked badly about all his surrounding even his friends but in front of them he is weak and cute.
he always accuse me that I steal his things, and that I can't do anything, he gave me rough tasks, carrying very heavy things, going ta lesson with the bike of a doorman,I made an accident as the bike was malfuctioning, I got bruises in my hands, and he did nothing when I got home. he wakes up at 4 am and calls me at 6 so I might wake up, just to amuze him without puting my feelings into consideration. He abused me in front of my friends when they are at home. And he tells me to tell them to leave. He always spoke bad to me about my friendz, he insulted them. He has a shout face that you can't forget for a life time, He sometimes take all my things and throw it away. His anger takes him to a level where he can't control himself, if he is holding a knife in his hand he would do it uncontiously. This might be a frightening story in times where we all need support. So if you're bothered please don't continue. Nothing worse will happen. But I want to talk about myself for a while. In my mind as I was growing up, I always looked at the better part of my life, In my school I had warmhearted friends, I always enjoyed their company we became brothers as we grew up, and I had that one friend that he is always the favorite of the gang, this was my bestfriend, I always escaped by telling him everything about my life, he always supported me to be positive and enjoy our days. So I got used to manage my father's abuse by separating between what happens at home and my personal life. 18 years old me, leaving school for college. I didn't get the score that gets me into medicine school as he wanted, I wanted to go for architecture he kept telling me that I will be nothing and that I am a loser, and will always be a loser. Post school period, everyday my father let me wake up with a shout, and put me under stress to go by my own and go to all the private universities in town, and ask for medicine school requirments, even though they were available online, which I know from before that was higher than my score. So I did all of this just to please his decisions. On a Saturday (which is an official holiday in my country) He told to go to a university that is 70 kms away from our house, to ask for the requirements of admission. And I was forced by all means to do so. And he told me that he will call me in an hour to know the updates, and he tells me to share my location so he would be sure that I am there. One of the medicine schools rejected my application, when I told him so, he accused me that i didn't apply. After a month wasted trying finding a medicine school t accept me. One day he decided to let me join one of the most popular, private univesities in the region, I join the business school. That was good gest by him, until I realized that he did this to show off in front of my family, and his friends, while at home he kept (all of them kept distances from him and always praised him so they don't get into trouble). While at home, he humiliated me that he is paying a lot of money in my university, despite that joining this university wasn't my aim in the first place. I got into troubles and survived (problems with fatherX10000) nevermind, I fell in love, deeply in love my heart was broken, I got into a phase of depression, loosing taste in everything, I don't want anything, I was verbally and socially abused by my gf. I did cannabis with my firends, which made things worse. All ny friends joined different universities, they met new friends things became fading away gradually until my fourth year of uni, which where I stand now. I live with my mother now. during the past years i felt that everything is wrong, nothing is true, I feel nothing, which put me in a very bad self reflection position. I didn't seek any psychatrist ye, as I am aware that this side of my life might have left a big scar within me. Now I am okay, I accept everthing, I want to grow, I returned to my workout routine to gain weight lost furing the last two years. My biggest fear is becoming like my father. Now I see him I travel with him he force me to do things that I dont want to. He still amazes me with unhealthy decisions. But I am moving on from all of this even though it haooened 2 hours ago some abuse on the go as I am travelling with him now in a coastal house for quarantine. I dream big, I want to achieve. I still smoke hash and I am willing to stop in 5 days. Now I am away from everybody in my circle. What should be the next step?
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Next step, do what you always wanted. Become a better person than your father and be who you want to be. You're old enough to do what you want now, I believe in you. I'm sorry you had to go through the emotional and mental trauma. You really deserved better and as long as you stay strong, you'll succeed your dreams. Live your life, don't let your father take advantage of that. And in my opinion, I think you were manipulated/abused in your relationship because you're used to being taken advantage of, example your dad. Continue to love yourself :) You won't allow anyone's bullsh*t. Wish you the best and I believe in you. Love ya
ReplyWow. I am deeply impressed by how far you've come. Despite this early setback in life, you continue to see the brighter things in life. Your optimism is inspiring and infectious. Please continue to be the wonderful person that you are. For the next step, I personally recommend writing and meditating. You obviously have moving stories to tell. I hope that you can continue utilizing your gift to help others as well as yourself. I've recently gotten into meditation outdoors, and I think it really helps to ease stress and increase calm and productivity. Try not to overwhelm yourself on this road to self-improvement.
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