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Playing on the deck. So happy. So free.
Perfection.
A sky so blue and crisp I could almost drown in it. Almost.
This will never end. This is love, wild, freedom, grounding, pure, euphoria.
Until it ends.
A trip. A fall. So suddenly I almost don’t trust it to be true. I haven’t fallen in so long. I did everything I could to make sure this wouldn’t happen again. I put up a railing, I told myself next time this will catch me. I put up caution signs to warn myself that falling is near. I learned to swim better, to float, to wade.
But here I am. Under water. Not wading. Not floating. Lungs burning and filling.
Falling deeper I look up and through murky water I can still see a glimpse of that sky still blue, but no longer crisp.
Drowning in it. Too far to reach.
Panic sets in and I struggle, I try swim so hard but I am not moving. My body is tired. My mind its tired. So tired.
I’ve been here before. I know the answer. I must stay still until the dark of the deepest part of the water let’s me go. Let’s me free and I can make my way back to the deck. I can dry off and wipe my eyes until the sky is crisp again. I will put up more railings, more signs. But to no avail I will fall in again. Too busy looking at the sky.
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ReplyThis is very similar to the way I describe depression. I describe it with a rubber ball that bounces across the shiny blue water under the beautiful sunshine, then the ball sinks down , down ,down to the bottom and stays there in the darkest depths until it rises to the top again to bounce about in the waves.
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