Another issue...

In third trimester of pregnancy, so far everything seemed to go well and normal. This is what I was told and I believed it at first of course. At my 36 week prenatal appointment however, I found out that this baby still has a short femur length and seems to be at the 5 percentile.

Nurse was continuously reassuring me about not being concerned, because everything else appears to be normal and okay. The nurse asked if my husband, who is also the father of my baby if he was tall or not. He's about 5'8-5'9 and I'm short 5'2 - 5'3 so, I guess this baby is just small. The nurse insisted that as long as everything else was normal, that there's nothing to worry about but it didn't seem like a good enough answer to me. I really do not feel any less worried than I was before this, but much worst in fact and I'm hurting by it. I don't know what to think of these medical abbreviations and terms in regards to pregnancies, though you expect the experts would know what they're talking about and are trustworthy. I'm finding it hard to believe that there isn't something wrong with this baby and wondering now if there's been any human error in my results. I know how much this will affect me and my husbands life and It's devastating. It's difficult to be stuck in such a limbo of uncertainty and not knowing exactly what to expect. This is making me paranoid when the time comes to give birth and I'm not sure if I want to go through with it anymore. I'm really not sure what the outcome will be out of all this.

I don't think I want to live with myself knowing I could of prevented the worst case scenario much earlier on. I have struggled enough within my life having to put up and deal with toxic surroundings. I've been through alot and I feel as though I'm always facing more doubts, lies, uncertainty, bad outcomes and more negativity.

There isn't a part of me believing in much positivity anymore.

I've been having a hard time enjoying my pregnancy due do to so much turmoil and bad experiences that I've been going through. There's been alot that has become discouraging and very unmotivating.

I'm starting to regret this whole thing because I do not want a child with issues. I don't want to deal with what I will take as "another burden on my shoulders". This is my freaking life here and if my choices have been taken away from me, due to human error, or that I've been lied to and had people meddle with my affairs on purpose is messed up. The fact that people would be putting me and this baby at risk like that isn't okay, not only for health reasons but also messing with one's life. It is really fucked up!

I am absolutely hating these uncertainties,negativity and toxic bullshit all together.

At this point I don't know if I can pull through this anymore, It's bad enough as it is with the mental torments of uncertainty and mind games from others. I'm sick and tired of it all that you wouldn't believe. It's not worth the endless suffering and never getting a break or sign that all will go well.

Dont know what to believe anymore and if things will be okay or not.

I'm done being in shit hole situations and being left with unfair circumstances.

I'm sick and tired of it all.

_-