Why am I still here?

Sitting alone in my room, I am faced with my sadness. Quarantine has been my life way before this time. I have such a lack of motivation. I feel such innate sadness at being alone, and being barely loved by anyone, really. My daughter insults me regularly, and though she lives in the same small town as I do, she doesn’t ever express any desire to see me, and only contacts me to argue about something or inquire on something related to money.

My former best friends have turned on me and been very hurtful, and the friends I still have are nowhere near me. And I question whether we could even be such good friends if we were closer, given my record now. During this time, I have nobody to connect with in person, and, as has been the case for a long time, I have zero physical touch at all times. At least where I lived before, when I would see my friends, we would greet each other with a big smiley hug. Even though I was lonely then too, and that didn’t feel like enough, it was more than what I have now, which is nothing. Hugging myself does not produce the same effect.

I question whether anyone really sees me. Am I not attractive to others anymore? Does my being me turn people off? Why doesn’t anyone ever talk to me? Even when I say hi to people, I get ignored. It’s been 13 years since I was in a serious relationship. And that was a disaster. I’ve briefly dated only 2 or 3 people since then and nothing worked out. They were not for me, I was not for them. I made stupid decisions and slept with unavailable people. Once I made the decision to not do that anymore, I basically stopped having sex. I haven’t felt loving arms wrapped around me in so long. Nobody holding my hand with real love, vulnerability and openness. Is it possible to survive without physical touch? I don’t feel like I can do it much longer.

Even at work, I’m invisible. I work in a place where everyone has to wear headphones the whole time. When it’s time to go, people just leave. There is no social interaction, no friendly banter or conversation. I hate it.

What is my life? Before it was about my daughter. And that seems to have been unhealthy, to have just focused on her so much. And certainly in many ways, it has backfired. She resents me tremendously. She doesn’t show any appreciation for anything I did for her nor seems to remember all of the good, all of the love, all of my efforts to provide her with the best life within our limitations. All of the good times we had. All the fun things we have done. She’s angry with me and blames me for her health problems, her mental problems, her financial problems, everything.

My body has been hurting a lot too so I feel really down and confused about that. I envision myself to be way healthier than I actually am. My hips ache, my back hurts, my wrists and fingers too, and my feet hurt so much when I walk and when I don’t that I only feel relief when I’m asleep (if I don’t have nightmares). I feel so hopeless.

I get an occasional call from my dad. Bless his heart, he tries. But it’s always riddled with his regret for forgetting to call me sooner. Year after year, I have to maintain that relationship, otherwise, it wouldn’t exist. He’s living his own miserable life pretending to be happy while being totally depressed. He carries so much guilt about having been so abusive to me that I don’t know if he ever really sees me for who I am today. With my mom, it still feels like I mainly am the only one seeking out a relationship. Yeah, she sends me stuff over the texting app, little videos and pics and little messages all from the internet, but we have no real connection. She never calls, and if I don’t reach out, it can be months, and historically, even years before I hear from her. I don’t think she knows anything about me and it’s all very superficial. But she seems to be trying too and I take those crumbs because what else can I do? I’ve long ago accepted that this is who they are. They are older now and I love them despite all that so I just have to shrug my shoulders.

My siblings make no contact with me. It is very much as if we are not even related, and as if I don’t even exist, despite my efforts over the years. I’ve recently given up on contacting them because it feels worse being ignored than just not hearing from them to begin with. But I’m on empty.

So the story goes. Me wanting love and relationship from people who don’t want the same. Why? Why bother? Why do I even live? Do I even know what love is? Besides what I feel for my daughter, I wonder, truly, do I know? I’ve heard from so many people that they think I’m such a wonderful person, so loving, so kind, so helpful and smart. But if that were true, why am I alone?

I sit here and cry like I’ve done so much before. Because that’s what we should do right? Sit with our feelings, and really feel them. And so I cry. Because I’m feeling them.

My intellectual self says “Feelings are just a product of your thoughts.” And I do believe that is true. But I’m tired of trying to convince myself of things that don’t seem to be real at all. I can say that I’m perfectly fine being alone, that my purpose will be revealed, or that I don’t need to have a purpose, I can be happy just being, that God has a plan and someday the right person will show up to partner with, that someday my daughter will love me back, that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be, everything happens for a reason...bla bla bla. What’s the point of saying all that over and over? After so many years of the same thing being revealed -- me being alone -- it’s pretty clear, I was just full of shit. The truth is, yup, I’m alone, and nobody seems to want to love me or be around me. Deal with it. YOU. ARE. ALONE.

I moved here to be closer to a family that doesn’t really know me nor gives a shit about me, not really. And I have come to realize, I still don’t like it here (which is why I left decades ago). But after so much moving, I wonder, am I ever going to be happy anywhere? If I am the problem, and it seems that’s the case, then why bother living anywhere? How much more do I need to heal and work on myself? Was thirty years not enough?

Why am I alone? Why doesn’t anyone love me? Why is my daughter so mean to me? Why can’t I get my life together? Why do none of my decisions seem to work out? Out of all of the questions I would pose to Creator, the most legit and only question now is why oh why do you keep me alive? PLEASE, ANSWER ME!