searching

I moved across the country with a plan to restart my life. I found a job before I left and I took a Jump. I jumped to a new world of scenery and people. Hoping I could escape the hate that I feel from strangers around me at the time. I left with 3 bags, because I value the minimalist approach to life and I left with only what I absolutely needed. The rest of my things were placed in storage. I flew across the country with enough energy and momentum and positive mindset to dig roots quickly and keep working.

That didn't happen. I worked the temp job I found before leaving and was shorted 600 dollars. I had a plan to have enough to rent a place or buy my first car. Neither of those things happened right away. I arrived in the new city still resilient but completely alone. I had enough to take Ubers around town. I did a ton of walking and searching for work. This city is much bigger than my hometown and getting around is pretty much car dependent. for the first few weeks with my 3 bags I slept outside as it never got below 40 degrees. I ran out of money really fast and I didn't have much to show of it. I found the library and a place off of a seldom walked trail to sleep right next to active train tracks 4 miles away. I took my laptop with me and used the library as my day job of sorts. I looked for work, built my resume, played games and the like. I never doubted I'd find a way to a job and establish myself. It was a muted struggle. For food, I got really good at stealing and filled up the same bottle with water at various fountains. I'm a little better now. I managed to get a loan from a friend back home and bought a car. I use my car now as my hub. I still have the 3 bags I came to town with and I'm making about 800 a month from a delivery app. I have an inverter for my car and I can use my laptop and sleep entirely within these four doors. I feel extremely free with this vehicle and it's my first ever car too. Instead of staying here I have a fiery distracting urge to travel more and I plan out how little it will cost to just drive and explore this country. I'm 26 and I am fearless.

Though I still have a blackened soul and I am slowly beginning to look at strangers as if they hate me and the delivery job is so stressful. I can't spend time at the library anymore. I feel like I am just as lost as I am free...

What I didn't mention is I've been homeless before. I was homeless when I was 17...5 years later I was homeless again. Right after college via a full ride scholarship I lost my income and bounced from friends houses to brothers house. And finally back to pretending to be a student at my college again during the winter. I did everything I could to NOT sleep outside because it was deadly cold. My life got really bizarre at that point. The apartment my friend lived at was where I ended up. My friend who lived there...wasn't my friend anymore. He called the police on me because I didn't "get my life together" on his time line. I stayed in the apartment anyway on the highest floor in the lesser used stairwell. Cemented walls, echoes of 13 floors below and roof access door by the landing. And not a degree warmer than the negative temps outside...but it was something. My life got even more bizarre after that. I did find a job and I got rides from coworkers and sometimes dropped me off at that apartment. Then other friends, and then more new people whom I met dropped me off outside that apartment. Because all the while I didn't tell anyone I was homeless. Noone knew. Not. One. Person. I would wait for folks to leave before keying the latch of the locked door of the apartment and took the stairs all the way up skipping the elevator. I'd often only get there at night. All I had was a sleeping bag and a bunch of bags with me. My things were stored at friends who lived in the country in their barn. All I had with me were 3 bags. I worked security, over 12 miles away. I'd leave the apartment at 4am and didn't come back until about 9 or 10 depending on how long I could stay at a nearby coffee shop. I saved up enough money to get an office space because housing was nearly impossible and way too stressful to find. Instead I found an office right in the city. I got the office and kept working and finally had a safe place to store my things and keep using my laptop. I had access to the office at all hours. Security for the office space was lax because it was meant for higher class people. I had no issue sleeping there and I always pretended to be working when the janitor opened my door. By midnight I had a warm private space to sleep until I woke up for work. Outside of paying the office bill, I had a reputation to keep up that I was running a business and I had to wear business clothes anytime I didn't wear my uniform. It worked out alright until the office neighbors complained about a smell. That, in my opinion was the smell of poverty, like in the movie Parasite. It was at that time I realized that I had to move having lost all the friends I'd had gained since I was homeless the first time, I felt I had to prepare. So I did. As soon as the complaints came forward I abandoned the office space and had already had a paid storage area for the rest of my things. I put everything there. And in a very frantic spazzem of movement I left on flight from my hometown with 3 bags with the rest in a storage shed.

I'm in this new city with nothing but my car which is the most consistent form of shelter I've had in my entire life. I am skilled in showing a public face of professionalism, positive influence, and leadership while having very few things in my personal life. I've been going through a deep spiritual battle. One side is the repulsive low class truth and the other a socially acceptable, but almost self defeating level of competitive cutthroat like behavior outside of my own car. Inside my car, I'm both of these people and there is a lot more to it regarding how I feel and have felt while going through this. But I will stop here.