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I'm Selfish and I Like It, But I Hate That I Do
4 years ago · 0 · stress anxiety depressio..., +2
558
Every day is like living with a split personality. Some days, I do what I want to do, just to do it; because it pleases me. But, other days, I buffet myself to do what I ought to do; and I hate it. This includes doing helpful things for others.
Most of the time, I can't stand doing anything for others. Not because I'm a sociopath, or anything like that. I'm not the kind of guy that just wants to watch the world burn. I just don't like doing things for other people when I know that at the end of the day, I'm just going to be taken advantage of regardless of whether or not it's a passive or aggressive approach to taking advantage of me. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not a big deal. I know I'm not the best at everything (or most things for that matter) that I do.
Although, with that said, I do know that throughout my life, I've noticed a pattern of people abandoning me for their own selfish reasons, or just sticking around only to take advantage of my kind nature. Disrespecting me, then expecting me to help them out, helping them out, only to be tossed aside/disrespected again, and around and around it goes. What is it about me that people hate so much? What is about me that others just don't want?
But lately, as previously stated, I've noticed that I don't like to help others. Not just those who have hurt me, but all people in a general sense. I just can't trust anyone anymore to do right by themselves, and thus by me. But at the same time, I know that you can't live life shut off from others where no one is your friend and everyone is suspicious. But how? How does one overcome that? Where is the bridge between trust and responsibility? Am I a terrible person? Am I weak? Why am I this way? Those are the questions that haunt me on a near daily basis.
Maybe I should be asking about what it means to actually love someone. As a lack of care for others shows a lack of love in you. So, do I have a love problem? Growing up in an emotionally and at times physically abusive household, it wouldn't be that surprising. But who knows? Maybe I know what love is it just hasn't dawned on me yet? I know that sounds naive and ridiculous. But maybe it's true.
I need help.
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