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Dear S,
There's no way you are ever going to come across this letter so I will be unfettered in apologizing and explaining myself.
I met you a part of match-making drive that happens very often in the lives of adults in their mid twenties in India for 'arranging marriage', if I can put it that way.
Needless to you S, you came across as so beautiful, nay the winter morning was illuminated by your presence. Your family very hospitable to mine and served us the best of snacks. There was a Rangoli put at the entrance just to welcome us, we couldn't help feel touched about it.
We spoke a little, I was very nervous, may have even come across as a creep for my manners were well a little jiffy- trying as I was to put up my best self.
We went out again in a 'controlled date' as is the wont in India for round 2 of taking the match making ahead. It was such a lovely time together. You and I, most importantly laughed as we hilariously found our interests converging on a very eerie topic.
I had wanted to buy you another coffee. You had brought an acquaintance together.
We both walked out of the Coffee Place, my mom saw us both and felt we both looked great together.
I couldn't believe there was a girl as cool as you to be found in an patriarchal setup of choosing one's life partners.
Thereafter I erred S, I erred too too bad. I had a thing for someone else, quite seriously, but she was away and I was scared whether or not will she get the same acceptance in my family as say you would have.
I was not being a man. I wasn't owning up to my life.
I liked conversing with you for the rest of the week. What a magical time it was. I wouldn't give a decision to you. I wasn't able to decide. I didn't want to decide. I wanted Providence to play itself out.
A week later I said no to you. I declined your proposal.
It was in the afternoon. Human body, Daniel Pink writes in his book is at it's lowest in alertness and the cognition is reduced in the afternoon post lunch especially. It gave me a weird feeling. Had I done the right thing? Only time could tell. I didn't like it for the rest of the day in office.
In my defense S, I have committed a crime, I shouldn't have spoken to you post that. But the lesser man inside me wanted to still remain in touch with you. It was unwarranted and unethical. I just thought I will get a reason to wean myself off the existing love interest I had in my mind. That was not to be though. I crossed lines. I called you for another date and went back on it. That was the lowest ebb.
You asked me not to talk to you ever after that. I don't know why but I felt worse.
I told my sister about it. Berated other people for me being such.
I didn't want to let go of you S, yet I wasn't committing to you.
I am your criminal S, I may not have hurt you but I didn't behave well. It doesn't bode well for a man who prides on himself being a woke female rights aware person.
There's another letter I will want to write to you explaining more. Pray be kind enough to read it and forgive me.
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