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I have this reoccurring nightmare, though it isn’t exactly a nightmare. Perhaps a form of PTSD, I am unsure but with each individual time. I awake in tears while somehow being both hot and cold. A flushed face with cold sweat dripping down my spine in the dark and panic surges through my gut before I realise, I am in my own bed, alone. I am not sure if being alone makes the ill feeling better or worse. I choose not to ponder.
It’s nearing the 2 year anniversary of that fateful night. I still remember exactly what I was wearing, ripped black jeans with a loose burnt orange mesh-like top. I carried with me the authentic Columbian leather bag, I had in it, stashed alcohol for the party, being only 16 at this point I had to be creative. A bag I have never used since. An outfit I have never worn since. So many ‘nevers’. I wish this night never happened.
During this nightmare, I am back surrounded by the toxic people that existed to me at the time of this event. It is never clear what they’re saying to me but I know we are fighting, they are circling me and I’m flailing to get my point across, I’m exasperated trying to talk to these girls that I once called my best friend. They mention him and how I am so awful to him and make up rumours about him.
That’s when I begin to scream repeatedly: ‘he raped me, he raped me’
In return, all I get are dubious and blank faces starring back at me and suddenly it’s like I’m behind a glass wall and these girls are hearing nothing as I continue to scream. I want someone to hear me. But they never do.
I need this to end, yet don't know how to begin.
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This dream means you are trying to get someone or some people to hear something important you have to tell them but they won't take notice of what it is you are telling them.
ReplyI was raped too, but one person knows. You're going to be fine. I have dreams like this too, at a point I tried to not go to sleep that's how bad they were. You're strong, you will fight through this and when you win, make sure everyone knows that you won. You go girl!
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