A personal battle.

I’m at a complete loss right now, I've fallen down a familiar rabbit hole.

It started off so innocently but unknowingly, I've stepped on landmines I had buried deep and I don't know what to do, feel or say.

Feeling the need to create and wanting to expand my photoshop skills I began exploring my old photos for something to work on. It started okay, fondly looking at old photos of myself to use as a reference for a digital drawing. The deeper I went the more toxic I became, specifically when looking at the few photos I have of myself dancing. A deep longing to return to the body that I resented at the time, yet I resent myself more now for thinking that way.

Unknowingly I begin winding myself up, saving these images onto my phone for ‘inspiration, motivation’. And then it really hit, that disgust and need to punish myself for not being strong enough, not having the will power or restraint. I shake as I write this, and I write because i don’t know what else to do, as the all too familiar feeling to harm this body becomes overwhelming. Why have I done this? How did I let this happen? Why can’t I work harder to change it?

Pathetic is what I feel. It's childish, I’ve put this behaviour behind me, I’ve worked so hard to build myself up from this, yet the floor is falling from under my feet and I'm barely treading water.

Words are toxic, indirect remarks, obvious distaste, and it's hard, really hard to keep it together all the time. I'm well aware of my weight situation and I am making steps to change it. I was proud of how far I've come, but it's never enough. And now self-doubt, hatred, weakness and despair consume me in mere minutes, disregarding the years I’ve spent fighting them off. I just want to bring that blade to my skin and punish my wrongdoings.

I can’t, I shouldn't.

I am strong and I will not let others toxic words, or my toxic mind demean all that I’ve done. This is a long long road to recovery, and something that may never disappear completely, but I will fight for me, I am worth fighting for.

I write, because I can’t talk to anyone else, they won't understand or this is triggering for them too. I understand, it’s okay because I am capable of picking myself up.

As I am now, I am living with regret and fighting relapse in a physical and mental sense. I have gained significant weight and I am now working to improve my health, this road is a long one and I will need to fight with myself again.

And that's okay. I feel okay, more resolved. Now I shall delete the photos from my phone and hold my head high at my progress so far. I thank myself, for writing this. I thank myself for fighting relapse. I am on the road to loving myself.