im awful he's great

i don't understand why the universe would create someone like me. my boyfriend is such a good person. he reaches out to people, he is friendly, he is charming and beautiful. he can get along with anyone. and i just push people away, im rude and awful. i always make mistakes. i'm so anxious that i can't talk. if he decided to leave me he'd be better off, and he'd be able to find anyone who wants to be with him. but for me, all i have is him. i can't get anyone else and i can't be nice like him. and everytime we're with his friends online, they do stuff, and i can only listen because i'm basically not a person. and i just wish things were different. i just wish i was different. i've always wished to be anyone but me. but as i get older i realize i'm a lost case. and it hurts. it hurts so much. and i can't get rid of this feeling. i just wish i was dead. i wish so much that i was dead.