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Mormons,
I'd like to preface this by thanking you for some of the values you instilled in me that have come to be invaluable over the years. This would include a strong belief and love for family values, healthy eating habits, being kind, humble, smart with my money, and looking positively and with love towards others. This being said, you have lied, deceived, and ultimately crumbled my theological views, leaving me feeling betrayed, lost, hurt, confused, and left feeling like I'm picking up broken pieces, wondering what is right, wrong, and what went too far.
I was born and raised in a severely strict Mormon household. My dad was a bishop, and a second councilor to the steak presidency. Both pretty esteemed and big deal positions. I got up two hours earlier for school than I had to, one hour to have 45 minutes of scripture study with my dad and older siblings, and another hour to go to seminary with the ward before school at the church. I was baptized when I was 8. I made sure to stick with the modesty guidelines. I didn't swear, drink coffee or tea or any caffeinated beverage, and I only associated myself with good, mostly Mormon friends. I thought not being able to go to friends houses unless they were active members of the church was normal. I thought thinking that coffee was of Satan was normal. I thought that drinking tea of any kind was a sin, was normal. I thought that feeling guilty and being shamed for wearing shorts that went 2 inches above my knee was normal. And I also, although I'm ashamed to admit it, shamed my friends when they would wear shirts that revealed their shoulders or stomach, or too low on the bust.
You keep a lot of secrets. You don't tell people what really goes on, both present and in history. You claim that its open knowledge, but its not. You claim that Joseph Smith was a martyr and was imprisoned for no reason but hate and rage of the unbelievers, but you fail to acknowledge that he actively practiced polygamy (behind his wife's back for the beginning of it), marrying girls as young as 14. He changed his First Vinson story multiple times. He was arrested for ordering a printing press burnt down. That last one is a direct violation of the law and also a direct violation of the first amendment. He was not a prophet, he was a pedophile and madman who although may have truly believed what he said, was clinically insane and a narcissist at best. You also failed to mention that this 'martyr' died shooting a pepper box revolver at his attackers while trying to escape.
Your history has deep roots of racism. Let me guess, when the Book of Mormon says that when people became righteous their skin turned light, and when they were wicked they turned dark, it didn't mean it literally? I don't think I need to go too into detail about your lies, misogyny, racism, and backwards thinking, I'm sure you are well aware, you just choose to "have faith" that everything that doesn't make sense is just in "God's hands".
I'm angry. I spent 18 years living in a cult of lies. I spend 18 years believing that if you weren't Mormon, you could never be in the highest kingdom of heaven. I grew up believing that if you wear a shirt that revels your shoulders, you're a slut. Or if you drank coffee, you were an addict. I was so completely indoctrinated and whats worse is that when I had doubts, I had no where to turn. My own grandma, who I never thought would turn on me like this, chewed me out for about 10 minutes over this. and get this: I hadn't even left yet. The only thing I told her was that I was questioning the church-NOT that I was leaving. Her quote "Well you should go talk to your bishop because I can bet you're not feeling God's love right now". My family, although now tolerant of my decision, is not a safe place to go to about my feelings.
I feel alone. My fiance has been an incredible help through my grieving and processing, however it really sucks that I can't talk to my family about this without getting the "This is just a sign that you need God in your life" or the "Come back to church, you'll find answers there". I feel like I'm left on the ground, alone and in the dark, trying frantically to pick up the broken pieces of everything I thought was true, and piece together what is real and what is not. It's hard, and it sucks.
I feel betrayed. I was told wonderful promises, like if I gave 10% of all my income to you, I would be rich. If I got married in your temple, then I would be with my fiance forever and for all eternity. That I would see and be with my family after death for ever. That being a Mormon is the only way to feel true happiness and joy. You lied to me, and that alone hurts more than is possible to describe in writing, because not I don't know if I will see my fiance or family after death. I don't know what happens when I die, and that's a scary thought. I don't know a lot of things now that were solidly set in stone, and now it's upended and I'm left in the dust.
I'm just done. I don't have anyone to turn to that understands first hand what I am going through, and I feel alone in this regard. I don't know what to believe now. I am learning social things that I should have known years ago, but I'm learning them new because you've kept me in a shell my whole life. I don't know. I just feel like there is no amount of apologies you can give that would ever be enough to reconcile what you've put me through.
It's aggravating...
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Have you tried to find an ex-Mormon group to join for support? I mean, there are plenty of online resources that are helpful but I always thought it would be most helpful to go to an in-person meet-up or to talk to a counselor about your grief. Iām never-mo myself, but I was married to an ex-Mormon who had a lot of these same feelings; it was hard to watch her go through it and never reach out any further than impersonal online support.
ReplyI hope that one day you will put all of this behind you and in the meantime come to know and love God as you should.
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