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Third night in a row and here I am, uncomfortably awake. Alone with that feeling in my chest that flutters down into my gut, the one that made it impossible to eat on the first day.
Why do my feelings for him feel just like anxiety?
I get butterflies when I talk to him. Not the good kind. The edges of their wings slice razor sharp against the inside of my chest cavity.
I know this can't be healthy for either of us.
He thinks I'm strong. But I'm not strong enough to break this cycle. Part of me doesn't want to. I've never had anyone be so vulnerable with me, and I with him.
We've always been push and pull, fire and ice, love and hate. Maybe more hate than I first realized. But now it's all in the open, and I'm shocked by the intensity of these feelings we never even confessed to before. His hatred was misguided, is his love even more so?
He idolizes me, it's clear. And I suppose I'm using him to fill some of my loneliness. I've never been so connected to someone and so unhappy about it.
The timing of it all could not be worse.
We were both sick that day. After the grand confession, the apologies, the tearfilled night. I haven't felt sick from emotion like this since my first heartbreak. I don't know what it means.
Other than this. If I knew there was a chance we could be together, for real this time, my butterflies wouldn't be laced with pain.
If anyone out there has thoughts please share. Human contact is the thing I'm most deprived of and I need the solidarity of other people's words and experiences.
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butterflies are the universal metaphor for catching feelings. however, they're dangerous when they feel like that. i recommend you maintain a short distance and try to have a better grasp on what this is. i wish you well, and hope that you are safe and this relationship will not bring any harm into your life.
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