How do I live with a narcissistic dad? I can barely take it.

I'm going to be able to move out next summer hopefully, but sometimes I don't even know if I can even last that long anymore. I've lived alone with my narcissistic father my entire life, and I seriously don't take I can take it. It's gotten to the point now where he's stressed me so hard I've missed my period twice and I've had constant breakdowns. I begged my mom if I could come live with her and I asked a close person to me if they help me get out of this place, but alas I am stuck here until I can actually move out. It really hurts me so much.

It's always been really bad. I was never allowed to be myself ever. I had to do my hair the way my dad liked it, the personality he wanted, the looks he wanted, the clothes he wanted, the skin tone he wanted (sun tanning), the hobbies he wanted, my likes had to be what he wanted, I was told me a catholic girl and I got my communion last year, the friends he wanted, etc. The funniest thing is that he blames it on me when he doesn't like my hair or clothes YET HE chose it in the first place. Yes, he wants me to be a doctor or a lawyer so I have no future for myself even then, oh yippee I get a choice for once, but I don't want to be either of those, I want to be a film director.

I get yelled at by my dad constantly about how I need to be how he wants me to be, and to be perfect.

But these months with the virus has been an absolute hellhole for me. With all of this isolation stuff, I can't even get out of the house and nor can he, so I get to witness all of his wrath on me and it has hurt me so much. I had to finish my courses online, and he started with "Oh, you finished today's assignments? Good job! Do the next day's work!,"

"I don't want to skip ahead as I'm really tired."

"I don't care, you need to do it and get school over with now."

to "I need you to do your school all day every day until you get it done. I need you done with school early.". I wasn't allowed ANY breaks. Once, I got so stressed I went outside to swing and my dad came out 3 minutes later telling me that my break was too long and I need to stop slacking off. There were points I was crying to my mom after a whole month of this and she said "it's better to get it done with now so you can have summer off! I have to work all day every day at least you don't have a job!". At least she gets off at 5! I get off at.... like midnight to sleep! I also was forced to wake up at 7 to continue working. After over a month of hard work, I only had my art course to do. Unfortunately by this point, I only had one week to do 5 art pieces. My dad worked me so hard to do it that I was unable to make it "perfect" for him. He yelled at me so hard that my boyfriend (on phone call at the time) heard it and panicked. I started sobbing because I can't stand being screamed at, and he told me to get off the phone or else he was going to yell even more. He told me to redo all of the art pieces and make them perfect. By this point I only had one day to complete them. The next day I tried my best to make it perfect, and I barely slept that night. He accepted the art pieces as good enough and said "Good job. You get 2 weeks off before I put you in 3 summer school programs."

WHAT? SUMMER SCHOOL PROGRAMS? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I DON'T EVEN GET A SUMMER BREAK ESPECIALLY AFTER ALL THAT WORK! He allowed me to visit a close friend's house (his ex-wife) who treated me as best as she possibly could, letting me get away with eating tons of food and doing whatever I want. My boyfriend and I are completely struggling in our relationship due to our lack of time together that we can have. My dad completely refuses to give me ANY amount of privacy at all as well, listening in to every phone call I could make, and won't let me close the door to my room ever except when changing or when sleeping. He tried telling me that relationships rely on studying together, not talking or playing games. The worst part about all of this is that 5 days into it my dad cancelled my 2 week break and told me I start 3 summer courses now, not even required courses, just courses to keep me busy. He told me I didn't have to work all day but he actually is expecting me to do that now. When I was 9, I was diagnosed with GAD and panic disorder and was given medication to help me with panic and anxiety attacks, but my dad threw them out as he doesn't believe in mental health. I am so worried I won't be able to be independent when I move out because my anxiety is so bad that I can barely do anything on my own, including answering the door bell to strangers or ordering food on the phone or in person. Unfortunately the only thing I can do is 'yell at my anxiety to go away'. I am so afraid my boyfriend will give up on me because we can barely spend time together and those few hours that I can (like when he's gone) I have no mental energy to do anything. I cannot diagnose myself with depression, but I have noticed that I just don't want to do anything anymore and I barely want to eat or get out of bed. I know I love my boyfriend so much, but sometimes I feel so upset that it overrides my love for him and I have no excitement or joy calling him or playing games with him when he's gone or asleep. He is upset by me not taking these advantages to spend time with him, and I agree with him, I'm upset too, but I am just so tired. After I came home from her house, I had another mental breakdown. I had a whole week of being treated like a human being, and she even got me clothes to match the style I wanted and told me it was okay to be myself, and she even promised she would try to talk to my dad about being on medication for my anxiety. I'm not ready to be back here, honestly. I am starting to give up fighting this. I don't think I'm going to do anything stupid (I hope you understand what I mean by this), but I do get those dark thoughts. I just can't stand him talking to me like that anymore. I just want to be able to spend time with my boyfriend and be happy, but I don't know how. I would love some advice on how to fight through this. I would really appreciate it, and advice on how to cope with anxiety would really help as well. The advice I am really seeking is how do I live here longer and come out okay enough? I feel like I am being beaten up daily emotionally, and I need an emotional painkiller so I can focus on the good in my life and not be affected by the attacks. I will come out with bruises still and I know that, and by then I will be ready to get professional help to heal those wounds, but in the meantime, this is my only choice. I know this is extremely long, but thank you for reading this far. I am a fighter, it's just that sometimes I fall too hard and I forget that I am able to fight through this mess. I know I shouldn't even be having to do that, but even so, I forgive my friend and my mom. Along with all of this, I also mostly want my boyfriend to understand. His father was a narcissist but his mother was able to get him out of there at 9, so he does have some understanding of my situation. I wish he could truly understand though, and that's the problem. I love him so much and I need his support, and I truly want to spend quality time with him, but all of this stress is not helping us at all. Any advice on this would be lovely as well.