Greatest enemy

Life is beautiful life is painful life is everything possible when one dreams it to be... Im not one who prioritize wealth or health.. I just want peace.. Growing up has open my eyes upon many things and the more i realize the more reality feels surreal.. But im not here to ponder the manner of things.. I just came to express this and hope to have a comment that could make me feel different or think different... With that being said.. I dont understand how i am able to help so many and yet im unable to help myself.. There is this friend who ran away from home 6years back and he had nothing.. No home no job no life.. And me being selfish and doin selfless acts i helped him out.. By getting him a place to crash till he had a job and was able to rent out a room and from there he slowly grew and i continued to help when he needed without fail.. And today his healthy and happy with where he is.. Gain a reputation in the nightlife(with that came ego) got a car bcoz of me got a bike bcoz of me got connections bcoz of me and im not mad nor jealous of what he has become but i hate myself.. I just dont understand how im able to help him and many more in similar ways and when i try to do something for myself not as a want but need and i cant.. My positive thoughts are overcome by the negative in sense of reality( in my mind i feel that im pinned down by a negative reflection of me who is as smart and as strong as i am..i feel like im in a prison).. Like for example when ppl say workhard and determination and time you will be successful.. Yea well what about the 80%who have tried and failed and never heard of... Constant fights with thoughts of good and bad and the outcome is neutral but with zero progress.. One could say im a coward im afraid of failing.. Cant argue there.. Im afraid of something that i cant predict.. But after so many times of helping people and my guidance had always work and i know i can do something anything when im drawn to.. But i just cant.. I feel like a download progress that got 99% done and that 1% that takes forever to load.. I cant deliver that 1% and i have always been running and keeping busy with distractions.. I can comfort people but when they try i see it as a threat.. I dont know what im doing... I have undo so much that not i have no drive no goal no hope no dreams no mission no wants no needs no desire or wish of anything i just want to be left alone in peace and this is bad.. Ik its bad.. I cant live with the system i cant live with the ways of society like what the hell happened to individuality... I've lost touch with reality... Idk where to start or how to.. There is more but i just have this to say now... So im here just stating all this to find something i hope ik what it is when i see it... Im sorry if this all feels like nonsense.. And sorry for my horrible writing ... Thank you for reading..