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I don't want to talk anymore. I did all the talking and put in as much effort as I could for you. In return I got ghosted, you cherry-picked which things you would or would not respond to, and you never talked or put in the same amount. I felt annoying and like a nuisance. I felt replaceable, dirty and used.
You don't know even the little things about me but I memorized you. Every word that dripped from your lips burned into me. Even now I remember you in excruciating detail.
But you wouldn't call me. You wouldn't ever be the one to reach out first. And I, like the pathetic girl I am, couldn't bear the thought of being without you so I let you do it no matter how much it hurt.
You were like air when I felt as though I were suffocating. At least until I realized that I'm nothing to you.
Am I really so awful? Do I not deserve love or respect? Am I not good enough for it?
I hope you understand that this is how I was feeling, and although I do not blame you, I wish that I could have been good enough to be cherished and loved by someone for once.
But I won't be easy anymore. No matter how lonely or painful, no matter how little I deserve, I'd rather be alone than to voluntarily break my heart again and again for someone who will scarcely remember me.
If no one can respect or love me, then, even if I cannot love myself, I will at the very least prevent others from walking all over me.
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First off, you are NOT pathetic. You were in love with this person, and love makes people do things they sometimes wouldn't, and it makes them give people second chances when they don't deserve them. there's nothing wrong with you for doing that. Second, you deserve love and respect. You deserve to be with somebody who realizes just how amazing you are, and will treat you like it. You deserve someone who's going to know all your issues, all your baggage, and still love you, because to them, it's just a part of who you are and there's nothing wrong with that. I promise you, someday you'll find the person who loves you with every piece of their soul, the person who will be patient and wait while you slowly learn to trust again. They'll wait for you, because they know that you're worth the time and effort. You're worth every second, every moment they spend waiting for you. Because they love you, and respect you for who you are. Every single thing about you, they'll love. And you deserve that kind of love.
Take it from somebody who closed their heart off from everybody around them to prevent it from getting hurt again. It's lonely. It's so lonely. Please don't close yourself off from everybody, just practice being cautious with new relationships, but please, please, do not close your heart off, it will just bring more pain then it's worth. Believe me.
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