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I always thought my parents especially my mom as the most precious person in the world that I want her to be proud of me and what I have become.
I have always do my best in everything I do and my mindset when I do something is I want to do this for her so she can be proud of me. I have always do what she told me to do, get her what she wants, do everything for her. I never really ask for anything, I try to achieve things and get what I want by myself. I try to be the "good girl" in the house with hope that she can be more relieved that I am by her side.
But now, I realise that I can never do that and I will never be her number one. Especially since last year, as my big brother get a really nice job, while I am still on my last year of university and got no job yet. She never really ask for me or for my help and I don't think she is proud of me. And I can never make her proud of me or rely on me. Never.
This leads me to a thought that "Am I a failure".
I feel miserable but relieved at the same time.
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