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i can't sleep. and when i can, i sleep for too long and screw up my sleep schedule more. when i wake up late i don't want to take my meds. and not just my antidepressants. i don't want to take my antiepileptics or anything else. i don't know why. it's not like it takes effort. i leave water and my meds right next to where i sleep so all i have to do is reach over and take them, but i don't want to, as if it's too much effort or something. i can't eat. or maybe i don't want to. i don't know. i have no appetite, which i know is part depression and part a side effect of one of my new meds, but i don't do anything about it. i'll make myself a really big breakfast and feel good but then sometime in the late afternoon i'll think "i should be eating" and end up eating cookies or chocolate or chips or something instead of just cooking myself some food. and now i'm hiding all the packaging and wrappers in my room instead of throwing them out in the kitchen trashcan, because i know if my roommate sees them, she'll say something to me. and i need that, don't i? but i don't want to. i don't know why, but even though i know she'd be worried and want to talk and help me and probably be able to actually help me, i don't want her to see. even though i've been losing more weight and i'm sure she's noticed. a few years ago i got really sick and lost a lot of weight and it's been really hard to put on weight since then (i was already thin, i didn't really have much weight to lose) but now i'm actually losing it. i lost a bit last year and it was a little concerning, but this time i lost more and my doctor gave me something to hopefully increase my appetite and help balance my vitamin levels, etc. except i ran out of that and need to go back to the pharmacy and still haven't, but anyway. now i officially fall in the "underweight" category on weight charts, even if it's only by one or two pounds, and for whatever reason that's sent me into a tailspin. and my roommate pointing out that my depression seems to have "flared up" again did the same. i don't know why. it's true, and she's trying to help and is worried about me and wanted to make sure i knew that all the things going on-- the lack of appetite, the inability to do the things i should be doing, the staying in my room apparently more than normal (though that seems like a weird observation-- my city is under strict quarantine and she essentially forbade me from leaving the house)-- are not my fault and i need to see my psychiatrist again to figure things out and she wants to talk to my psychologist to see how she can help (she's older than me, so she's kind of a mom/friend combo). but even so, i don't want her in these things. which is crazy. i need help and i know it. i haven't talked to my psychologist in weeks even though we were having weekly appointments. i lost my phone and even though somebody contacted my roommate to say they have it and want to return it, we haven't been able to work out how to get it back. so with no phone i've barely talked to anyone in a week, and even though that's been fairly normal recently, i *always* talk to my sister. and now we're barely messaging b/c the way we usually talk, chat, and video all day, every day is with some stranger that my roommate keeps telling me *i* need to get in tough with even though *she's* the one who has her phone number. i just... slumped my shoulders and felt like giving up on doing all this stuff and for a second thought about deleting this whole post for a sec even though i know i need to post it. just... help. this is the longest, ramble-iest, most grammatically incorrect and incoherent thing i've ever written in my whole life, but if you got through it and understood some of it, let me know. please. even if it's to say "i know what you're going through" or... anything. just anything. i'm tired of this and don't want to feel this way and feel stupid for feeling this way even though last night i was extremely happy for a few hours and two days ago i was happy being able to ignore the fact that i was definitely showing signs of entering a depressive low... i just... please. somebody say something. i'm so tired of being alone in quarantine even though it's only been a few days since i lost my phone and i could be talking to people on facebook or skype or zoom or instagram or any number of other things, but depression does wacky things to your head or for some reason it's convinced me that i just can't until i have my phone back. definitely some sort of trickery to keep me from reaching out for help. i might keep typing forever if i don't stop now. let me know if you saw this. i need a little contact. *sad smile*
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OP here. Thank goodness for my sister. She is my sanity and happiness when I hit these low spots, and called me within minutes of me messaging her. Talking to my 2- and 3-year old niece and nephew also doesn't hurt ;)
ReplyHey I couldn’t imagine the things your going through I have depression so I have a sense of what it’s like to not want to even get up to not want to eat it’s easier to lay in bed and hear your stomach growl rather then get up and actually feed yourself. You should let others help you, if they love and care about you let them in. I know that’s probably really hard I’m the same way I always feel like people are out to get me, but you need your medication even if it takes a lot out of you just to take it I never had meds but they are there to help you, don’t stop taking what helps makes you better or stop talking to people that actually help you get through the tough days you deserve their love just as much as they deserve yours.
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