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I just am so tired of trying. Tired of trying to seem cool and fun around my younger and more hip and confident coworkers, who fit into a group so naturally, without effort. I just feel so different.
They're snarkier, judgemental, too cool for whatever we are talking about, laughing condescendingly, led by their little miss egocentric queen, who turns every conversation or remark back toward herself and her opinions and experiences. She's the person who always likes to pretend she knows more than you, and can always add to your story. Younger, confident, controlling, and arrogant. I will never understand people like her. A confident, permanent smile of social superiority forever pasted on her lips.
I'm genteel, reserved, awkward, and polite. I see no need to judge or badmouth things I'm not into. There's enough trouble in the world, and I don't want to make anyone else feel badly about themselves, because I know how that goes. I don't have strong opinions about things like ice cream flavors or country fairs, except that they can be fun. I hate fake people. I'm extremely down-to-earth. I keep my private life private, and don't volunteer my opinions easily.
I'm so f*cking fed up with people. These people. The ones I could potentially make friends with, if they were people like me. I don't understand those who have to put something or someone else down to feel better about themselves, in passing, without provocation.
I just miss having people around that I can have an honest conversation with, without fear of judgement or sarcastic comments about my likes and feelings.
I just miss "nice" people. Is that so much to ask? That people actually don't act like *ssh*les for a change?
I guess it is. I guess I'll keep my distance, like before. Like I have been for a long, long time. No choice, I guess. These people are too risky, and unlike me.
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No one truly fits in, we are all constantly asking ourselves “what’s wrong with me” or “ I wish I was more like him or her”. Even this “egocentric queen” you mentioned is not what she seems. In fact, what I have learnt over the years is that, in reality, it is those who are insecure that are actual the most insecure (as cliche as it sounds).
But I want you to remember that you darling are a real rarity. Someone with a good heart and soul right down to your bones. I know things are hard right now and you often feel like you have to keep your distance on many occasion. But know that you will always have nice people or even a nice person who is looking out for you even though you do not know it. And if you do not, I can promise you this. In the end, being a good person is the most valuable thing you can accomplish in this life. Because in the end, that is all that matters. Your good actions and heart will be rewarded and you already have or are yet to meet people who appreciate the beautiful human being that you truly are, virtual hugs :) x
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