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On this day, as I look at the time showing 09:49pm on my phone's screen, emotions mixed together like concoction of a certain brew, turning darker and darker with every swirl. I feel very angry and pissed at everyone, making me feeling more depressed and invaluable more as time passes by.
I do not know what happen as i stare onto this page, writing down all of my bottled up emotions. Where can I start you may ask?
Perhaps it started off with how I genuinely felt about myself. I am a 24 year old man from Kuching, Sarawak, a city on the island of Borneo. I felt that I have lived life aimlessly without any purpose, only being directed by where the wind of fate blows. I grew up in a family of 4 , my younger sister is my only sibling and parents whom I am grateful for. Graduated as a chemist but working as a banker. Life truly makes a turn on that one!
However, i do not feel that life is smiling down on me. Neither is Lady Fate but I still keep on living. With these aimless life filled with dreams built upon by people I encountered, I now feel out of breath, drowning in the sea of reality and lost in my emotions. You see, there were dreams that I want to achieve, but circumstances has demotivated me. I have a dream to be an archaelogist, discovering ancient tombs and tunnels, learning of lost civilization. I have a dream, to have a family, to have a loving wife, sons and daughters (whichever it may be, i will love them nonetheless). I have a dream to travel far and wide, to learn of other cultures, understanding their values and lives. Lastly, i have a dream to create a positive impact on the world, aiding the younger ones to live life as how they want to and to contribute to the ever growing society with love and respect.
All of this comes to a naught. I am staring blank to the ceiling. Feeling useless and worthless. "What have I been doing now?" I constantly asked myself. I just go through it all, following the flow in which I am great at. Being adaptable to whatever circumstances life throws. I have to smile amidst the blows and punches from life. This burden is heavy...
Family is supportive but at times, a reminder of how small I am. When I approaches a women to talk to, I always remembered what my mom told me, "no need to get a girlfriend first". Or , "don't talk to that girl, she brings trouble." Or sometimes just a silent but passively agressive denies my approach to women. This happens throughout my university life and up till today, i still felt it. From that experience, I do not have the courage to flirt and even talk to women that I am attracted to. It came to a point that I give up my dating life and just lead a single and solitude life. I promised myself that I won't get one. Real life stories and films depicting failed relationship also amplifies that 'conviction'.
Some say i have it all, i would sometimes disagree with them. I do not have it all yet. I have a career in banking with stable flow of income, a good education, strong connection or roundtable of friends whom i could trust but there is always a nagging feeling that I am still flawed. At times, i would experience a feeling of down, sadness and negativity without any warning. It became worse until to a point, i paced around the house, getting closer to the kitchen, getting closer to the knives and slice myself. I am curious, does physical pain outwits emotional and mental pain. I wonder...
But like what i said, i am still surviving to live another day. Like what a man once said, "another day, another battle" and by the end of the war, i do hope that it will bring a tiding of peace, and no longer sorrow.
~borneoguy
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Hey friend, ur dreams show that you are a really nice guy...😊 Dude, you are just 24, there is a lot of things waiting for u... Your dreams will come true.. soon...
By the way girls are attracted to nice guys, so chill... you dont need to search for good girls, they will come to you by themselves..
Some dreams might take time... so you must wait... You know what,my uncle went for a world tour last year with my aunty at the age of 58... he enjoyed it a lot..
Never loss hope.... you are gonna have an amazing life ahead... You will surely find your love. God is preparing the best lovestory for u, that is why its getting late.. Give him a little more time to prepare it well!❤
And you dont need to stay away from the kitchen but do stay away from the knives!😅
Look on the bright side... you've already got a loving family and good friends.💕
KEEP SMILING😊 STAY HAPPY😃
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