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Trust - the most complicated emotion
1 month ago · · trust issues,
Why should you trust anything that I say? Why should I trust anything you say? But most of all, why should I trust anything that I think or feel?
Human beings have this innate ability to be distrustful of nearly everything, outside of the basic fundamentals of existence like gravity and if you eat, drink, breathe and sleep, you'll stay alive.
Everything else is up for debate. Whether you don't trust the fact that the earth is spherical, to not trusting your lover in being faithful. What all falls between in endless in nature.
For this particular topic, I'm going to stick to my own problems with trust as I believe this sort of mistrust is probably the most damaging of all of them.
The inability to trust one's self
Do you find yourself making plans, only to never act on them because you can't be certain of a specific outcome?
Do you find it hard to connect with others because you feel like you don't really have anything to offer that is of any real value?
Do you want to be loved but refuse to go looking for it because you've been hurt by others?
These are just a few basic principles of lacking self trust. If you find any of these to be relatable, there's a very high chance that you don't trust yourself in making judgements and decisions.
From my own personal experience, I have avoided trying to pursue "success". In most part because I never wanted to be another drone working 9-5, only to watch as life slipped by.
However, I never allowed myself to pursue any other options nor develop any skills, beyond writing and communication, because there has always been the inherent fear of failure. What if I did succeed? Could I hold up that image all the time for others to see? Or would I inevitably crumble and be exposed as the true failure that I am? These questions never had any answers, so I just decided to never even try. In so doing, my life has slipped by anyway. Only I have nothing to show for it. No career, no family, no home, no friends, nothing. All because I can't trust myself to make the right call and because I can't trust myself, more and more evidence piles on as to why I shouldn't. You may be experiencing something similar if you've struggled with trusting yourself.
How about that ultimate relationship? The one where you're both ok just sitting down and enjoying the basic notions of life? Where you know you'll grow old with the person sitting next to you. Forever in love, but not the butterflies in your stomach type love. The calm type of love. Like you just absolutely know they will be there until your dying day.
But wait, something happens and everything changes in an instant and you find yourself alone once again. You've been mortally wounded and you can't fathom ever allowing yourself to ever trust yourself again. You'll never put yourself in that position again because it was your fault for believing I'm the first place.
So you just sit and rot away because you honestly can't trust yourself to make ang decision correctly. All semblance of self trust is gone and so is your self worth along with any sense of hope. But you still desire and you can't trust that desire so you fight it and you fight it and no matter how hard you try, the desire never fully extinguishes.
You have no use for the desire but it's still there. Beckoning to be fulfilled once again. But how could you ever trust yourself to even begin trying to fulfill it. Especially after you've allowed yourself to be such a fool.
So you just give up on everything and I mean everything. But the desire never ceases and you know that if you do decide to start trying to rebuild, eventually that desire is going to need to be met. So you just stop building, because you can't trust yourself to do those other things. Not without the influence of that desire.
The need to be touched and loved and kissed and holy crap what is that? But you know deep down that you can't trust yourself to do the right things. Because you never have managed before.
So you just wait and waste.
Self trust, it seems, is for the normies. Not meant for you.