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Here is a letter I wrote to my beauty school educator. She's already seen it but i wanted to rewrite it here so I can look back at it and just in case something does happen to me, self-inflicted or not. I edited some things in it for personal reasons. You're welcome to comment whatever you want. I've grown a lot since I wrote this, still got issues but yeah lol also this wasn't meant to be a goodbye letter, I originally wrote it as a appreciation letter but I was in one of my darkest holes at this time and i thought i was for sure gonna be gone, that's why it took a turn.
"Dear JF,
I'm writing this to you for many reasons, one being just in case anything was to ever happen to me, you'll always know what kind of impact you had on my life. Going into *****, I thought Id just get through school and then that would be it. Graduate and move on.. but instead, I gained a few good friends and most importantly, I gained you. Do you remember that time when I was in your class and we were practicing haircuts and I told you i was scared my parents were gonna send me to mental hospital because I started self harming again? Well I had this voice telling me to just open up to you and I did... anyways, the reason im telling you this, is because that day, I had planned to end my life after i left school. I knew exactly what I was gonna do and where i was gonna do it. Would you have ever guessed I was this depressed? probably not and it probably would have been too late by the time you realized. I remember that day like it was yesterday because you saved my life. literally. You made me realize I wasn't alone even when the voices in my head tell me I am.
All my accomplishments at school, I owe to you. You believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. For that, I'm forever grateful. You brighten up my darkest days even when you get on my nerves ( sometimes) but i mean, i cant say I dont get on yours.I have issues, issues that can be mostly fixed by swallowing a pill, which i refused to do. I don't wanna be drugged up to be happy, I just to WANT to be happy. But I don't think that's in my nature. I was never really around true happiness. I envy your happiness, even with all the bull*hit at school that was going around, you still managed to be happy and that's something I could never do. You're strong-headed,you fight for whats right,you're funny and you're beautiful. Everything I wish I was. If I could be half the women you are, Id know I succeeded in life.You inspire me everyday and I'm so grateful that you were put into my life.You handle my mood swings so well that you dont make me feel less of a person because of it like everyone else does.
And yes, you could say I have a 'great' life or whatever so how could i ever be so selfish? You're right, I should be happy but I'm not. It's so f*cked up. Why was I chosen for this life if im not strong enough to deal with it?
So in case something does happen, I want you to know that i know you tried your best to remind me of all the good in me and im so so sorry I let my demons win.I want you to know that its okay, it was for the better. I got tired of fighting them.Tired of feeling powerless and not in control of my own life. Tired of disappointing myself and everyone else around me. Tired of just being tired and mad at the world all the freaking time.
I mean, who really knows if anyone would care if I was gone anyways. What if, after im gone, everyone's lives got better? well then, Id be okay with leaving this earth. The reason why every time I've tried to end my life, I always failed was because for a split second, I had this doubt in the back of my mind, that maybe just maybe, someone would miss me and Id regret it but it'd be too late. But I'm not scared anymore, what does this mean? I think it means I'm giving up and im ready to feel free, happy, and at peace.
I'm not writing this to you so you could feel sorry for me but because I truly feel like you're the angel that was given to me and you genuinely care enough to want to listen to what I have to say. If I could write this to anyone, I'm glad im choosing you to read it. I know its gonna mean something to you. All i ever wanted was someone to just care enough and no one cares until you're gone.
I want to end this with a thank you but nothing I say or do can thank you enough for everything you have done for me. I love you a lot and I hope you'll always remember me, alive or not."
xoxo
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Beautiful.
This one goes out to you
Replythank you for your kind words.<3
ReplyYou can certainly talk about yourself. You have used the words, I, me, my, and myself 116 times in this post. 13 in the introduction, 27 in the first paragraph, 29 in second paragraph with 10 in the first two lines. 6 in the next paragraph which is only 2 lines, 11 in the next paragraph, 15 in the next, and 15 in the next. It is ALL about you. Perhaps if you take your whole focus away from yourself and think about and consider other people you will be happier.
ReplyI've always been considerate of everyone else before myself, the only time i "talk about myself" is when im writing. All i ever do is think about everyone else, thats why im so unhappy. I never think about ME. Im here for everyone else but who's here for me? i got me, thanks. have a beautiful day.
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