Rant time

I feel trapped!

So this year I moved away to university. This one day my boyfriend had slept over and me being the paranoid person I am snooped on his phone. Well suprise suprise my boyfriend was on a dating app yet again. This threw me into a spiral for the nth time.

So he woke up and obviously I tried to break up with him as you do. He had to go to work that day so I knew he had to leave. I told him I loved him but I just couldn't take it anymore.

He wouldn't let it go because he realised I wasn't being like my usual self. He knew that I had begun to self harm while at university and didn't trust me to stay by myself so he forced me to go home for the week. That week lock down began.

Now I'm stuck at home until I can move back out in September. And you know what yeah something was different with me because I was going to commit suicide. I had a bunch of paracetamol, alcohol and something sharp and I had a plan. Now I'm here nothing has changed and I'm just not able to do what I want.

You know people don't have to be depressed to kill themselves. People of sound mind can make that decision too. I just don't see the point in living to old age just to be uncomfortable, in pain and bored. I also don't see the point in all the work I'm doing just to grow old and die. It's stupid and frankly I'm done with life now. I've seen all I want to. I think I should have the right to leave when I feel like it. My body, my life, my decision. Wish people would stop making it so hard.