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My mum is extremely toxic and narcissistic towards myself and my siblings. I used to think that maybe I am simply being dramatic and she is just stressed but no. She is genuinely toxic and we are starting to believe that she has a mental illness. As she is my mother, I will always love her since she is the woman that gave birth to me however her attitude and mindset towards life has become so negative, it has begun to make us all feel extremely frustrated and down. She constantly talks bad about my dad, and her relatives who all love her and see the best for her then is extremely sweet to their faces. She claims to loathe my father and wishes to divorce him yet apparently 'loves her children' and refuses to divorce simply because of us. She tells her friends that she doesn't need her husband and her children do not even miss him when he goes on business trips. This is completely false as we love our father much more than we love our mother and have a huge amount of respect for him as he has tolerated her for so many years. She uses him for money and doesn't even pay for parking or any of the house bills. Despite knowing that she uses him, our father allows her to take advantage of him because he loves her. She also works a decently paid 9-5 and so you would expect her to contribute in the least. The oldest sibling has just completed one year of uni however hasn't got a part time job hence our father is the only one who pays for anything. He is financially tight yet provides for us and never complains. Our mother on the other hand, earns plenty yet doesn't pay, and when she buys herself clothes or personal items, she complains that she is now broke as she has spent 'so much.' It is genuinely frustrating. When she comes home, she demands that we massage her feet and arms and begins claiming she is 'hungry and tired' after taking a lunch bag that barely closes due to how much food she takes everyday. In contrast, our father takes a simple sandwich for lunch, and comes home with food for us all yet doesn't demand anything but takes a shower, gives us a hug and spends time with us. I genuinely wish they divorce so we can live with our father and our mother is free to do what she wills. I will always love her, but I no longer respect her after seeing the way she treats those who love her more than I knew possible. Not to mention, she also gets angry at me and my siblings for the tiniest things which make no sense. 'You've been in your room for so long, don't you care that you have a mother?' 'You are so lazy, go get a job and contribute.' 'You never did anything for me.' In response to this last one, I have. I've done lots. I've donned the motherly role and try to help her, I give her frequent massages and show her love, I do her online training and courses for her, I've prayed every night for her, I've cooked for her and worst of all, I've hid my pain, hurt and tears from her when she insults and demeans me. I've acted like I didn't care when really, it was breaking me on the inside. I've never shown her the times I've struggled to breath because of how she's made me feel. But regardless of what she does and says, I will always love her. After all, she is my mother.
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Some people have this false sense of entitlement which makes them inconsiderate. You are very mature and strong to acknowledge the issue, love and let go. Keep loving her, and most importantly, keep loving yourself because you are worthy of that love more than any other being.
ReplyThank you. I try to love myself but all these years of living with her has damaged my self esteem and so despite the fact that I will always love her, I don't know if I can love myself. Its just one of the things that comes with having a toxic mother I guess.
ReplyDefenetly She has a mental problem but also is selfish, I think you should talk to her about her behavior, ask her questions. Tell her how you feel that she's not being fare.
ReplyI do try, but she doesn't understand the depth of her actions and instead begins to guilt trip me and say that I am being an ungrateful, unsupportive child.
ReplyShe sounds like my selfish husband, you got to catch them and show them when they are being manipulative and selfish, they will be in denial
ReplyShe probably has a mental illness or she's just stuck up. You seem like a very nice person and even though she's toxic and mean if at any point she is mean to someone you love stand up for yourself and them you really don't deserve this. She needs to be in therapy and don't let any excuse tolerate her behavior. I relate to some of these things as my mother is toxic when she's upset not when she's calm but it gets very bad when she's upset. She once told me when I was 7 because my father passed I told her I wanted to kill myself and she told me I was bluffing and to do it in the garage so she didn't have a mess to clean up and a few months ago I told her that it was toxic behavior and all her excuse was that you had to give someone a shock factor to make them "shut up" even though I tried to explain to her that telling her 35 sister in law is different than telling a 7 year old who just lost their father much more things have happened since that and many scars in my heart will lay there forever. What I've learned is that you need to stand up for yourself because it's not fair to you or anyone else around you. Your mother needs help and I'm sorry for being rude but she doesn't need to be snobby even if it's mental with therapy it can be controlled.
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