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Years back, I was suicidal ¿ I don't know, it's like I wanted to die, I wanted a lot of things to just stop, and I have cut myself but at the same time I was scared to die, die alone. I mean I was lonely, it's weird right? That I was still scared to die alone. It's been a while since I have been suicidal. Which is a good thing atleast, but I don't know if I've been happy, last year well, it was rough, I struggled, but since I had responsibilities I always managed to distract myself, from time to time when I'd cry, I'd look at my old cuts, they're quite light Now, it being 4 years or a bit more now. I know im less depressed now, my anxiety still follows me, but the sadness seems to be returning, and I've been looking at the cuts again.
Atleast I'm happy I won't try to kill myself anymore, thanks dad I guess ¿
Everytime he hears about a suicide he goes " I don't understand why they would do such a stupid thing" it's not that he doesn't believe in depression and stuff, he does, being a doctor he knows it all, and believes it, but he always said, I just wished they'd try to talk to people, and he always wished people around them would do something better. To be fair, my dad always has and still does ask me how I'm doing, and if he ever catches me crying, he will always sit with me and try to cheer me up, and even ask, who do I go hit? Ah such a cutie he is, and my parents asked me last year if I wanted to talk to anyone, like a professional, because it was very obvious I was depressed. But yeah, I would never try to kill myself because I'd never want my parents and my sister, and so many people I care so so so very much about to feel like they didn't do enough, cause they have. They really really have.
And I guess I'm just really sad right now, and extremely tired, and the lack of people around me is getting to me, I don't know, and I'm sure I'll be good soon but I've never been one to talk about it to people, This is the most I tell people, here. If you've read this much, thank you so much, but more than anything, just check in on those around you :)
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i haven't logged in for few months and as i logged in , i saw ur post. i read all those long but didn't understand what exactly did u wanted to hear from us. but as honest as i can be from my experience i can tell i was suicidal and still is suicidal sometimes. and believe me when u have been suicidal for such a long period it becomes more like your habit. even in happiness u try to find subconsciously one thing that will crumble ur happiness. u keep asking if this will last. i get it things get hard time and days are there when u lie down and over think urself to death. but as long i have seen . life is unpredictable, happiness finds its way. whatever mistakes u made will always teach u lesson which in future makes u wise. after all in the darkness we must focus on the light more.
i too lack people around me when there is so much going inside my mind and when the clock has chimed in its last bell i always find that it is me who stand with me but no one else. writing this to u doesn't mean i am all good now it just mean i also go through the same path u do and one more thing we should have in common is fight till we see the light.
xoxo elvispanda :)
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