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Tell me stranger what do you think?
I'm a socially awkward person, that's all. I tell myself and those around me, I have a small amount of social anxiety, that's all, I repeat over and over I'm my head, like I'm trying to remind myself. I'm normal, there is nothing wrong with me, I hope.
I tell jokes and I smile, I laugh loudly and remember the good times, and my family won't see anything to say otherwise. sometimes I laugh so hard I forget, I forget what awaits me, the agonising pain of sitting in the dark dreading the socially awkward words that I spoke, did I say thank you too aggressively, should I have waited longer before clearing the table.
The darkness is creeping in, AM I BROKEN? Tell me doctor if I said how I truly feel would you lock me up and throw away the key. I have nothing to complain about yet I feel as though I have lived a thousand lives, and I'm exhausted and running on empty. I'm body lies still as my mind runs miles, all day, every day just to end up with the same conclusion, I am alone. I have never dated, I have no social life, I have spent nineteen single and alone years on the this planet and see no hope for the future, will my entire existence be a sea of sadness and pain made from my very own blue prints.
As I write these words, as the truth spills out can't help but wonder, how long can I hide from the darkness, how long until I go crazy or have I past crazy
So tell me stranger have I bored you, yet
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Bored? No. Worried? Yes.
I know that no where in your post did you say you wanted to end it, but it feels like that's where you wanna go. I guess you have two questions to ask yourself, is there anything after we die? And if there is, is it better than here?
I can't answer those unfortunately as I dont know either. I can't even say I relate to your dilemma. So I suppose "stranger" means as much to me as it does you. I can however, say that from experience, you're not crazy. Far from it actually. You're just struggling, kind of like a human. Kind of like I do. You're worried about the thoughts that invade your peace of mind. That tell you you missed a social cue. You struggle with those thoughts and seem to think age has some kind of sway over this. No it doesnt, it's ok to be confused this year as it is the next year. It's ok to wonder about the negatives of yourself. It's ok to explore these things.
It's a lot like a deep sea dive, you dont know what you'll find and nothing is out of the question. We find all manner of demons and sometimes we even let them speak for us. They tell us things like we dont quite add up or that we're the enemy. They make you wage wars in your head and they make you question your place here. They are a menace but at the same time, they are a part of us. Some part of us believes we are messed up, we shouldn't hide from it though.
Why do our demons say these things to us? Where did they come from? At what point in our dive did we discover these monsters? I know the darkness is scary and it seems so vast, so all encompassing that even acknowledging its existence is terrifying. But the darkness is an extension of ourselves. We want to be anywhere but facing that darkness that even the thought of dying sounds like paradise and it may even be so to some devoted to religion. But I again can't say i know what lies beyond death. But beyond that darkness, that known unknown is strength and power and control. Being afraid of it is ok, but at some point you have to cross into the unknown and face those demons. You have to talk to your parents and tell them your not ok. You have to accept that meeting people will make you nauseous. You have to accept that after these moments your brain will criticize you. Our demons come hand tailored to torture us, but they dont control us. It's the other way around.
I'm sorry if none of this helped in any meaningful way. I'm here if you'd like to talk. As are others so keep posting and keep us updated yeah? Stay safe wherever you are
ReplyThis is pretty normal for someone who struggles with anxiety. There's nothing wrong with *you,* you're just more self-conscious than a person without anxiety. Sometimes this is a good thing; it means you can be aware of those around you, and you learn quicker to change your behavior than those who aren't self-aware. I know it's hard but you can re-train your mind. Try listening to "healing frequencies" on YouTube or look up people talking about mental recovery and using positive affirmations.
If you read books or listen to audiobooks look for some about "changing your mind" to be healthy.
If you can afford it, it might be a good idea to talk to a licensed counselor as well. They can also help you to change the way you think so you focus more on the positive than the negative.
ReplyThank you, I have read your comments, they helped. I have never truly wanted to die but I have never truly wanted to live either, I've just feel empty and awaiting my existence to be over. Like I'm lost in space waiting, just waiting for the day that I feel something other than confusion, fear and torment. Somedays, I feel as though I will be waiting for ever no matter what I do. The days I have seen hope and peace were taken from me, now I wonder if I'm to afraid to find them, just to loose them again. My demons maybe winning today I maybe winning tomorrow.
Thank you, stranger I may have not found peace today, it may take some years to do so, but I have befriended hope.
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