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i am 24 , married and have a 5yr old
and currently in not ideal living situation and cannot afford and apartment/house yet
i work with this girl (we'll call her summer) and her i and i have a relationship that is both weird and special because we are so alike in so many ways and we connect on a lot of topics and hobbies and i really like summer and having spent time with her at work and at her apartment with where it was only us talking about very personal things but she has admitted that she doesn't want to date me and sees me only as a friend and recently has gotten a boyfriend a few days ago i openly admitted that i have feelings for her and that shes amazing and is able to be responsible and is very smart i want her to be happy even if it is with someone else and don't want it to affect our relationship as friends but i can't help feeling attracted to her
as for my relationship it seems to be heading south the more time goes on, and the feelings for summer only seem to be getting stronger even though i am putting effort into my marriage and we are saving to get a place it seems to be taking on water
i don't dislike my wife i enjoy our relationship for the most part but its not going well because we aren't as "in love" as we used to be (we've been together 7yrs now) but i don't feel like giving up and getting a divorce is the right thing to do because she still seems to love my sorry ass and i don't want to feel like we wasted 7yrs our my lives and efforts for nothing
also when i comes to doing things around the house (laundry,cleaning,etc.) it falls to me most of the time, she also has a habit of spending money on things we don't need like a bunch of plants,misc. candles and soaps. she's also very needy and asks me to do a lot of easy yet tiring things like get drink for her,plug her phone/charger in for her, wake her up for work because she sleeps through her alarms, remind her of things we're doing during the week,etc. which i don't mind most of the time but i rarely ask for favors in return and when i do ask she gets annoyed when I ask and complains the whole time doing it im feeling a continuous numbness and detachment from her lately
Summer is very independent and responsible in the fact she has her own apartment,has her own car, does yoga and other hobbies that require time management, makes notes/reminders on a calendar of appointments and other important activities,does her own laundry, has a pet cat that she take care or as well as go to work on time,
i wish these feelings would subside so i dont feel as depressed and i also wish my marriage was able to work like its supposed to and not be so anxious an stressed i want someone's perspective on this situation because im stuck between a rock and a hard place...
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So I recently read this post on Facebook that said it takes two to save a marriage and once one stops trying to marriage ends.
As someone who has been divorced ( that shit sucks) don't mind my cussing. The one thing I regret is letting go too soon. I understand that you feel like summer could be the new and improved love so to say, but have you seen her at her worst? Have you seen her like you've seen your wife. In my experience (as someone who sadly craved something new) I realized that I wanted it because it was easy. I wanted that new experience because it was exciting and added a little 'razzle dazzle' to the mix.
I guess by all of this I mean to say: close your eyes and think. Do you want your wife for the rest of your life? Do you think you can get over the anxiety and depression that is currently clouding your once amazing marriage?
If you think you've outgrown you wife, by all means move on and grow yourself. However, chasing Summer might backfire because she may not want you in the end. Is it worth risking though? Is the risk worth the reward?
Just food for thought.
Replyi have seen summer at what seems like her worst when she would drink heavily and be really depressed to the point of crying due to liking a coworker but he is too busy with his own life to want her and i was there for her when she committed to sobriety and getting help
but she has told me she doesn't want to date me because she sees me only as a friend so im the only one who feels the way i do
and my wife seems to have stopped progressing as a responsible adult and still acts like a teenage and asks constantly if i still love her and if i am cheating on her or interested in someone else which doesnt help so i feel like our relationship is unequal in maturity level and im out growing her
thank you for your input lostinthesauce
Replyi am sorry to say but i don't think you ever loved your wife. in this whole thing you kept comparing her to summer. you want yourself someone who fits into your perfect soulmate checklist. maybe at some point your wife seemed to be fit for it. but now you see how actually she is you don't like this relationship. i am neither degrading you or taking her side. but i think you need to think about your child first. both of you are not stable and at this time i don't think they need to go through the turmoil. maybe work a little harder , get stable and then think about divorcing
ReplyMarriage takes a lot of work, there are ups and downs. If you make it through the down period you will find happiness with her again. What you are doing with summer is called an emotional affair and can hurt your wife more than if you physically cheated on her. Think about how you would feel if your wife was having those sorts of feelings for someone other than you. She keeps asking if your cheating because she can feel you slipping away and she is just as concerned about your relationship as you are. The "continuous numbness and detachment" you have been feeling is due to your growing attachment to summer if you back away from her and make the effort, your feelings for your wife will probably get stronger. If I were you I would put as much distance between yourself and summer as possible, physical and emotional. Being close to her can only spell disaster for you. Think about this, the way you are behaving isn't fair to your wife, obviously, but it also isn't fair to summer. If she did decide to date you what kind of relationship would that be? Either she would be the other woman or a home wrecker and she would never feel secure in your relationship because she would know that you had developed feelings for her when you were still with your wife which would mean that you could easily develop feelings for someone else when your with her. Especially considering the fact that you work together and I assume your coworkers know that you'er married it would make for a very awkward work environment for both of you but for her more than you probably. Since you guys have gotten very close I'm sure some of your coworkers are already wondering what's going on between the two of you. When it comes right down to it you are just thinking about your own feelings in all of this and not your wife's or summer's. All the things you said about your wife, need to be said to your wife... maybe not all at once but you and your wife really need to start some healthy communication about what you both want and need in your relationship and how much you are willing to compromise. I don't think staying together just because you have a kid is the right thing to do but the fact that you have a child together means that you do have to factor the child into any thoughts of the future and should definitely be a reason for you to try harder to keep your marriage together. Do you thing that either one of you will have the means to support your child on your own when you are already struggling with both of you working? Discussing a budget and a savings plan, even if it's just a few dollars a week, and both of you sticking to it, could help relieve some of the financial burden you are feeling.
If you get through this, your relationship will be stronger for it and at some point in the future you could be snuggling in bed with your wife, happy that you pulled through the rough patch. Be stubborn, don't give up so easily.
P.S. I can guarantee that you have not even gotten close to seeing the worst of summer
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