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I think living with multiple people in a studio apartment is almost like living in a dorm room. All in one room, utterly no privacy. And that might work if every person respects their space, minds their business, etc, etc. It doesn’t work when you’re living with your mom. When you’re a college student with depression and she asks why you’re crying. When you think you’re safe and you can cry because you’re in the shower and she charges into the bathroom without knocking because she heard you crying and it’s midnight. And you have to pretend you weren’t.
Because depression is hard to explain. It’s exhaustion. It’s sadness. It’s a lack of self-esteem. A lack of self-regard. A lack of self-worth. But most of all, it’s not living up to expectations. Most of the time your own. And feeling so worn out that you accept your failures as a fundamental part of you. Because changing that, taking the first step to change, is more exhausting than collapsing on your bed. Staring into the dark. Wiping your tears on the pillow. Because even if you make that first step to change, you’re still a failure. There are expectations there, lingering in the background that you still aren’t living up to. And even on “good days” when you don’t have to turn off your alarm clock after it’s rung for the tenth time because you woke up on the first, it’s still there. The sadness. The exhaustion. Even when you smile, pet a dog, laugh with your friends, pretend to be okay. It’s still there. And sometimes it’s not all fake. Sometimes you actually do have the energy to be happy, to tease, to laugh, to ask about someone else’s day. But most of the time it’s going through the motions. Asking how someone’s day is. Tuning them out halfway through. Wanting to know but not having enough of “you” left to listen.
Sometimes it’s crying without a reason. Without an explanation. Walking away when someone asks you why. Unable to voice out loud that it’s because they think you’re okay now. Because they believe that recovery happens that fast. Because you don’t want their beautiful dreams, their rose-tinted glasses, to be shattered. Because they asked your sister, who hasn’t visited in months if you’re okay now and she said you are. She didn’t notice the mask. And it’s unfair to her to expect her to. Especially when she’s practically a stranger and you never talk to her about how you feel and you know she doesn’t understand. You. The pressure. Depression.
And it isn’t only depression. It’s anxiety. It’s bitten nails, torn fingers, bleeding skin. It’s a constant buzz in the back of your mind that you’re forgetting something, you’re missing something. And it’s stillness. A frozen mosh posh of wanting, no, needing to do a thousand different things all at the same time but so terrified of fucking it all up that you can’t move. Can’t start. And the possibilities pass you by. The opportunities are missed. And the guilt increases.
I think this is why depression and anxiety are so often diagnosed together. It’s a stillness, a desire to do what isn’t done, an expectation of greater, and exhaustion. All of which feed into one another until you have a mess of a person that’s just...stuck.
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Mate, look.. I know how you feel. Lots has been happening.. Damn I had to cross my fingers over that border fire (I'm from Australia fyi), dealing with this Covid, and I'm in lockdown again! I mean like- it's crazy! I can't go out unless I'm after stuff.. Basics like food, bottled water- I had to fight for toilet paper once! In the smack center of a pandemic! Like I'm at home. Sitting on my arse. No clue what is happening. So look, it's crazy, and for a fella like you, it's got you down.. But hey, there isn't only bad in this world! Take my word for it! Like, just look for it. If you believe in God say prayers! Just be positive! There is lots to life, okay?
Explain to your mum about how you feel! She worries about you, and cares! Let her help! Like yes it would be a bit of damning news to her, but she loves you! She'll help you! Anyway mate, hope you stay safe, okay? My care and luck for you. Cheers. 👍
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