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So, just writing this because I feel like it today, I am almost 18, recently like things got rough with me, So I am an artist and a graphic designer, I learnt everything by myself and all the credit for my learning goes to my mobile phone and laptop, recently my father put my mobile phone in washing machine and I have no idea whether it was an accident or intentional because 1 week later I get to know that my laptop fell down and the system is crashed, of course he is my father I can't say a thing I had my portfolio and I was about to start working as a freelance artist. But its not his fault that phone and laptop was given by him to me and all my life as far back as I can remember he never gave me proper guidance and independence I had time limits even though if I am working on something which takes time. My family and friends always support me on my good things but when I say that I need something suddenly they all become strangers. I also have this problem that I say everything I feel and because of that they make me realize how low I am. but when they know I can help them they all are nice and its very human thing we all are like that but the thing is I don't expect this from my family, my dreams are crippling there and all I get is the mental abuse in the name of that I am not 18 yet so I can't even do a job, There are financial difficulties and people want me to act like just they want, My brother keeps threatening me for life even in small fights, My sister she always say that I don't deserve anything I don't know if they mean it or not and on surface I act like I don't care as far as I know I always help them in need but when it comes to me its all me, I have some online friends yeah they show like that I am awesome and I am great but I can feel that these people don't give a simple fuck about me and I'm not mad because after all they all are are strangers who talk to me or other people online because they are bored. I am not suicidal, I keep asking myself that is this the limit?? whenever things hit me I just assume that there will be more than this. My family yeah now they give me some things to use but they keep reminding me that I owe them something. I was never into teenager things I hate them but yeah I feel jealous when someone of my age gets a better life than me and its also part of nature of human. I lack business skills this is why people don't like to pay me money and I don't know how to say no, I want to be myself I post my stuff on social media and there is basically no support too except some people, So this also demotivates me towards my art, they all say keep trying ,keep trying and yeah I keep trying but I can see that my art is getting worse by worse day by day and wen I make something with like 15 to 16 hours without break I get these expectations from it and yeah I never meet those expectations, I pretend to be Happy but I'm not, even in verbal fights I try to joke around but yeah people don't like it too. I become a clown so I forget all this. every time when I give my heart to something it turns out great but things get messier real quick. I do art because I think that is the only way I can build my world, I always have limitations and yes they demotivate me every time. People think that I'm terrible person yeah that affects me and yeah day by day I feel like I am terrible and I know this will not end with good consequences.
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