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Hi,
A young girl, with almost a perfect life was a dream come true for someone like me. I am from Gurgaon and I have had the perfect life a fat girl could ask for. Despite low on self esteem, humor was my virtue mainly because I could make anybody laugh, except me. I was the perfect sidekick to a beautiful couple in my school and I was happy. No, seriously I was, because throughout my life, my only focus was my career. I wasn't very bright, but I was among the top 10. Or would say, my competition wasn't that tough that time. In a college in Kerala, B.Tech gave me my true personality, as I ought to believe. Until, I realize I wasn't happy at all. For the past ten years I had been sleeping myself to sleep irrespective of my age, my thoughts and my surroundings. It was so normal for me that on days when I couldn't find myself time to cry among a crowd, I became uneasy. I started hating people and didn't want to met anyone. I was afraid of being with anyone that knew me for more than a week.I hated relationships with anyone. I just liked being alone where I could cry myself to the soothing sleep. I mad some very beautiful friendships but stated getting tired of them pretty soon and started sleeping again when it struck me that I wasn't happy. The image I had in my college was that of a girl you could never suspect of being unhappy. I had everything, as they said. I good set of friends, male attention, a lot of secrets, a long distant best childhood friend and a beautiful body by three years. what nobody knew that I was just faking it, and was so good at i that I made myself believe that this is my reality. I tried killing myself so many times and God sent so many angels to save me people had no idea. I'd just shrug them and call it an honest mistake every time someone caught me in a life compromising situation. My fairy-tale bubble broke soon and the unhappiness took its course in the daytime. I started avoiding people in the day, stopped making calls and started blaming myself for everything that had ever happened to me, because why not!! I had never told anyone about any of my problems, so no one else could be blamed. Although i passe hints to everyone around me to just figure out that I wasn't well, I wasn't in the best shape and I needed help if someone could just offer it. In literal sense, I was hungry for a conversation that didn't feel hollow where I didn't have to pretend to be happy or basically, feel free and un-judged. So far, in my history of a rocking social life as people put it, I had only had one conversation with such meaning on a train with a stranger I met while going home in the middle of the night. I made myself believe at one point maybe I am imagining this sadness theorem of mine as a lot of youngsters my age have it.I threw my theory of a meaningful conversation into trash just to fit in, all in vain.
But today after 12 years of crying myself to sleep or as I like to call it as I follow my sleeping regime, I felt the most helpless. In between I did not mention the beautiful young man I fell in love with but couldn't be with him because then I'd be the bitch to lure my so called friend's boyfriend. Anyways, long story short, I gathered courage tonight to tell him what I was going through. Just to clarify, this is not because I like him, because he claims that he likes me too. He is this really intellectual person I would say is stuck between two beautiful women, one being me. I am totally sure this man is going to make everyone feel so proud of him. So I gather courage to tell him that I am not well and I need someone to just talk to and tell me everything is fine. I would like to think in my head that he tried to understand and could not find words to reply, because all he said were two letters, letter O and letter k. His next sentence was that he is going to sleep. Agreed and accepted, it's 2.30 in the morning.
My stupid mind however could not handle the abandonment. Without thinking, for the first time in ,y life I begged someone to stay.My exact words were, Please don't go, I beg you. Obviously he didn't go right away. He called me to check on me and I froze. I JUST FROZE. Not my first time when I froze in the middle of the situation, but before this I was always alone and my body froze physically as I couldn't gather the strength to raise my hand and send a simple OK to someone, the words which were so easily said to the my horror story. Today, first timer in this again, I froze mentally. I could feel myself drifting off to some other realm while I was trying the hardest to come back to just disconnect the call so that no one came to know about my DEPRESSION and HELPLESSNESS towards my body, I had perfectly hidden for 12 straight years. I could not gather the strength. I felt so weak, I am not sure if he saw what expression I had or how my eyeballs drove away but I am sure he will not be the same for me after this. I precisely remember dropping the phone and gaining strength to pick it up again. I saw him speechless and could not bear it. I know he is mostly short of words and it is not his duty to understand me. I firmly believe one's happiness is in their own hands, but something told me today, maybe he could do it for me. To my disappointment, I was right. My happiness is in my own hands and all he could do was stare at me while I tell him to go to sleep and that I love him. His reply was a simple I love you accompanied with three kisses, one meant to be on my forehead, one on my nose and the last one on my chin.
I would today like to accept in a public forum like this, that I am helpless admit it publicly that I am depressed. And while there, just a small slipped note, I have everything I could ask for, just never thought I'd have to cry for peace of mind in a house full of loving and caring people.
May god give strength to everyone reading this and may no one relate to this. Just in case someone does, i know for sure, one day everything will get better whether I accept it or not, or I hear it from someone or not. It will get better, just ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Till Then,
Happy but helpless
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Oh my stars. Angel. Absolute angel. Something about your words have me completely captivated by your existence. I’m a fifteen year old girl, and I can’t relate to a lot of this, but just HEARING your story gave me such a heart ache for you. beautiful beautiful beautiful angel, i PROMISE things are going to get better for you. your MIND is beautiful, i’m sure you’re GORGEOUS, and UGH i’m obsessed with expression of emotions. just keep being yourself, i have so much hope for you 💗
ReplyI hope you never relate to this ever. Amazed how someone across the world could send you strength. I would live for you woman, if anybody.
PS: I am beautiful and I am sure you are too <3
ReplyI love you!! Well wishes <3
ReplyLove you ❤️ you'll get through this beautiful
ReplyHiii there, i am too from jaipur, india and a young girl like u. I can relate to each and every word u said. My post is going to be a long one as i want to share with u a lot and i know that u l listen to me and wld understand me. I am going to write directly from my heart, so please ignore my writing skills for the time being. I will try to state here all i can but i m sure i m gng to miss on lot of stuff bcs i can relate to u on every level. i was a fat girl and it was not bcs i was fat naturally bt because of my depression, i used to eat a lot and gained weight and then i used to hate my body more, actually it was a vicious trap and i had been in that trap for a hell lot of time. hating my body, eating more to reduce that pain and becoming fatter and then hating myself more. i always had low self esteem, always and honestly today also i suffer from that, i tried to improve myself on that everytime, i tried to prove myself everywhere, in smallest of the things and at last i became tired and i really wanted to find answers for why i m in so much of pain, why i am not smart or intelligent like others or why do i have to work so harder and then also i dont get results. i too found some respite in my humour as people liked me so much bcs of my ability to make them laugh, still humour didnt reduce my pain or loneliness. i was never bright but i worked hard to prove everyone that i exist and i did to some extent, i was 3rd topper in my school in 12th, i got professional degrees. Like u, career was my only focus bcs i thought that is how i can make my life peaceful and blissful but always there was a need for someone to understand me the way i am but i could not go further on that bcs i had to work hard to achieve something in my career. Many times, i too have stopped contact with people bcs i didnt want to answer their questions of what i am doing bcs i never thought anybody wld understand me. I have thought of killing myself so many times like u bt i cld not tolerate the pain i l give to my family, i never had the strength to give them this life long pain bcs i feel the pain of losing someone close to u. I never wanted a lot of people to understand me but just a guy who can understand without me telling him everything, sadly i dont have one till now : ) u know u r strong that u asked him to not go,i never had the strength to ask someone to stay as i never thought that i deserve this or this is some kind of a right i have over someone. i was always in search of that peace of mind but never found it until now. u r strong that u made this announcement here but i never had the courage to make it anywhere but after reading ur post, i thought to tell u all this. One things that stays to this day is that i want to help everyone i can in smallest way possible, i want to love people unconditionally. In my search, recently i have found answers in spirituality, in the philosophy of Gita, what brings u permanent peace that is it exists within u and not outside. I have found my answers to some extent. I am a staunch atheist converted into believer in God. I think ur happiness might be there where i have found mine, so i wld suggest u to kindly read gita by srila prabhupada and hear him, listen to the saints of india, they have answers, depression is fundamentally ur soul's need for bliss and happiness in God.I would love to connect with u and if u want help on any level, let me know. All the best, hare krishna : )
ReplyI am glad you came up with that.. So many times I have wanted to read Geeta, I don't know why I didn't. Somewhere, I have always thought that I would get all my answers there. Is it also with you that you sometimes feel happy and contented yet sad? To be honest, as a child I wanted an ordinary life, just the basic ordinary things.. People growing up in peace, little family problems here and there... Dad struggling with finance throughout(I remember, the months my dad used to get cheese spread, I thought we were rich, we weren't that poor though, just middle class things.....).. grandmother hating me for no reason at all and everything that is normal. I have no great success stories, can just proudly say, everything is by my own even that small. I got a job this year, I am the only one earning in my peer group. Just some generic simple ordinary things no one would catch attention to. I never wanted to become special. Never!! I never wanted limelight, hence this anonymous platform. I hated talking about myself, still do. I know I have been doing that lately, but trust me, this is my first time. The first time I told someone I wasn't feeling ordinary, as I was supposed to feel, I was having all the life's burden on me, the person just laughed it off. For four years, I have tried telling people that I am not fine, I am not sleeping proper, my weight loss is not just my gym.. somebody said gym helps, just made me physically tired so I could sleep, my anxiety didn't do away. for all the four years, I have only heard people laughing and often telling me it's not a joke. Nobody tends to believe it. I have aced the art of faking it. A lot is being said about mental health these days.. I am one of the few who is sharing some messages myself... just wishing somebody could believe when I am straightaway coming out. People around me are too pure. Maybe they haven't experienced such a thing n their life, which I am not very sure about or they themselves are too deep drowned in it that they cannot help me either, for which I can only be a pillar of strength and not let them drown.
However, my father once explained me and I remember it very precisely, he said, you can only offer a helping hand if your hands are strong, or else you'll either break yours or they'll fall deep down... I think I understand him now. But as I have understood m, I am again in a dilemma whether to ask for help o not? Girl, I don't know if I can be a helping hand to you, but together we can look for help. Maybe me being here would give you strength and you being somewhere I know, is giving me strength.
Honestly, I wasn't expecting any reply on this, because I thought maybe this would also get ignored like most of my pleas, You are however a lot like me, and obviously we had o find each other out.
In he end, I am just glad you exist, you brave woman, I wish you all the strength in the world. May sound like we're getting ready for a battle but only we know what a war we are at.
love
ReplyHiiii,,,i am happy that u replied to me, thanks for that. Gita has all the answers bt it's not a quick fix solution, it wld take time and devotion to understand Lord Krishna's message, i have decided to work on it bcs i feel something in the middle of my chest whenever i hear Lord's different names. Something really happens, not in my mind but in my bosom. Yes, many times whenever i have achieved something, i felt happy and contended but always there was this feeling of something missing. The happiness was momentary and the gap is still there. Actually i have always wanted to be something, not really for myself but for my mother's sake. I wanted her to feel proud on her upbringing as my father passed away when i was 5yrs old, so she deserved that. We had all sorts of financial problems too, so i remained always contended in little things. But now i realize that its my nature bcs now we have more still i am not much attracted to sophisticated things. I too hated talking abt myself, i always listened to others, what they have to say, not really have i spoken to anyone what i feel deep inside me, never. Though i yearn to do that just once, just once to someone who can listen and understand and give me some response. I too have always felt the invisible burden on my mind to find out answers. You talked abt that guy na, i dont know him, but honestly i just want to tell you that if he was not able to understand ur eagerness at that time, then probably he doesnt understand u much. There is some other person for u. May be he is all intelligent but he lacks the ability to understand u emotionally and that is what all matters sometimes. I believe u abt ur anxiety, abt ur sleepless nights bcs i myself have hidden it till now. You know some people around us have not really come to that point of yearning and some people feel it, they really feel it but they themselves dont have answers so they dont come out. Pls ask for help , if ur heart says u can trust a person, that is what is within our reach, rest all will be taken care of by God. It might take time but our pleas wld be answered. Yes we r similar on so many levels : ), i am happy to feel that and we will help each other. It is a war since childhood with so many battles in different phases of life. May be in this life or in next lives, we will surely win this war. Hare Krishna : )
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