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Or maybe my whole life has been one giant breakdown, it's hard to tell anymore. I might be lucky if I get maybe a string of positive thoughts that last longer than a few minutes.
Even right this second, I'm honestly thinking there really is no point in writing any of this. It's not going to change.
I could call up and get therapy going again, it's not going to help. It never has helped and no, it's not because I haven't met the right therapist. I've had so many therapists in my life that I've lost count. I lost count a long time ago. I've been going through therapy since I was a toddler.
Obviously, early on, it was "family therapy" which was about as useful as any individual therapy I've had. Even as an adult, I've had 4 therapists that I can actively recall, out of the numerous ones I've seen.
I'm on the verge on mental collapse, or a breakdown if you will. Suicide crosses my mind multiple times a day. I don't act on it because I know I'll survive by some fluke.
I isolate myself completely. I don't go outside, I don't talk to others unless they talk to me first, and I try to be casual and kind when those rare occurrences happen.
I constantly freeze up for what seems like no reason at all. Like, I won't even be thinking and I'll just stop. But then, after I've realized I've stopped, then the thoughts flood in like hounds.
There is so much emotional turmoil inside that I can feel it, physically, in my brain. It's not a pleasant experience. It feels like something is crawling around in my head.
I know I've explained most of thus before, but I didn't realize exactly what all of it meant. I know that I've been suffering from extreme depression and I don't do anything because the sheer level of anxiety is enough to overwhelm me.
I have a hard time doing the most basic stuff, like cleaning, taking care of my body, things like that whime my mind obsesses with one if two notions.
1. I should find a partner and try to find love
Or
2. I should just end it, because no one could ever accept me, let alone love me.
Those are the 2 heavyweight champs if you will and right now #2 holds the title belt.
I don't honestly know hiw much longer I can fight this. I just want it to stop and I'm on the verge of breaking once again, for the umpteenth time in my life.
There is truly nothing left for me here and I just can't keep fighting.
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I know where you're coming from. I know because I've been there myself, and it's something I still struggle with from time to time.
What's kept me going is the hope that life does get better. And so far, that hope hasn't been pointless. My life has gotten better. I hope that you have good friends like I do, and if you don't, I'm damn willing to be one of those friends.
Finding a partner can help, but not unless you love yourself first. There are so many bright pieces to all of us, even though sometimes we might not see them yet. You have attributes not yet discovered that will make someone else's world. But you have to make your own first. Find passion in something you do, discover the beauty in every day life. Because as someone that has been to the point you're at, I promise that beauty is there, you just have to know where to look.
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