Flawed

Life has been something. I almost died a few times with loss of breathing, almost collapsed in public multiple times, Had symptoms of a stroke a few times along with heart problems, I'm no longer going back and forth to the hospital. I told them I wasnt going back If I still had complications. 2 months of not being my healthy self. It took me a long time to come to a realization that maybe I shouldn't have wished the best for everyone, I shouldve wished the best for me.

Even the ones that done me wrong.

I realize now that I shouldnt have had faith in them or believed that they could do great in their lives, and yet still, something inside of me tells me not to think that way, but I do.

I do.

Today things are running much smoother. I woke up one early morning being able to breathe, eat and walk again, I think back to the days that everyday was a struggle, Thanking god everyday for another day.

Sometimes I do wonder, What is it like to think like the way others think, every one has a dark side and mine just doesnt show.. You see it doesnt matter what people do to me, I still wish them every little thing, why?

I use to believe in the fact that something amazing would come my way, until I spent years thinking that.

Now I see that it doesnt really matter what I do.

I've did it by the book, by my teachings and still god just rolls the dice on me.

Still I'm laying here wondering what I did wrong to deserve so many life threatening situations and pain, disrespect in my life.

Some days I have to ask myself "Am I still alive?" "Did I make it?"

Because really, I just don't know anymore. I could've died years ago or I could've died weeks ago.

I'm not afraid of alot of things, but not being able to beathe was the only thing that truly terrified me.

I never had anxiety or trouble breathing in my life.

Now my hearing and my vision is still impaired. I worry about the longterm effects.

I don't worry about a lot of things but my health.

Doctors couldn't find the cause, so many viles of blood taken, so many wasted tests. So many prescriptions that just didnt do the trick.

I made it here on my own, drinking what I could, eating what I could, exercising with heart problems was a pain in the a**, But I'm still here and thats great, along with many other things.