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Let me preface by saying that I know I’m the villain in this history. I’m a horrible, awful person.
I have a girlfriend, and I’m so in love with her. We’ll call her A. We’re both adults now, but we knew each other in high school. Back then, I was a big flirt. I would hit on anyone. I hate myself for it now. I can’t believe the things I thought and said. My current girlfriend and I were on again/off again in high school. Despite whether or not we were dating, I always considered her my best friend. I should’ve treated her so much better. I should’ve realized she was the one for me. But I chose someone else, X we’ll call her, over A. Despite this I was able to stay friends with A. She was so sweet to do that. But as high school came to a close, I broke up with X and began to spend more time with A again. Soon after graduation, I left on a mission for my church. I was gone for nearly 2 years. Before I left, I told X I still had feelings for her, to which she responded she didn’t reciprocate. A kept communicating with me on my mission, since she was still my best friend. As soon as my mission ended and I returned home, the only person I wanted to see was A. We got together twice, and by the second time I kissed her, and I finally realized that she was the only one I wanted to be with.
We’re finally together full-time, going steady, no on again/off again business. I want to be with her forever. She’s going to go on a mission when this whole virus business blows over (fingers crossed) and I really want to wait for her—to not date anyone while she’s gone and just be with her again when she gets back.
But despite all this, my past comes back to haunt me. She has had it so hard, and thus has developed self-esteem issues. She thinks I’ll choose someone over her again, despite that not being my intention at all, and the worst thing is I can understand why she thinks that and it makes me so depressed—the person that I was and the way I acted in regards to her. Every time things seem to be going well, she seems to find something else from the past, like a text or a screenshot or a letter, and it makes her question herself and me. I hate myself for it and for many other reasons really. Maybe this is all just an incoherent mess. We love each other, but maybe I’m bad for her. Maybe her life would be better without me.
And to make matters worse my pornography addiction has been resurfacing over these few months. And I want to tell her that, but later, because I know what it would do to her now. Every day I get to see her, I don’t use, and that’s how I know she’s right for me. But I just hate myself even further for having such a weakness. For having gotten over it 3 years ago only for it to come back some time before I got together with the love of my life.
Could I please get some advice?
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I would just do what I can to reassure her of her place in my life now
ReplyI think if you're really faithful, she needs to make that decision that she's going to trust you. Other than proving that you have changed, and telling her every day that you love her, you're attracted to her and treat her right - - you can't really do anything else.
Just watching porn in a relationship is totally fine. If it doesn't interfere with your every day life, you don't have to worry about it. What is it like, your addiction? Why do you think it's an addiction?
ReplyI consider it an addiction because, although I don’t want to do it, I can’t stop myself when I feel the urge. My girlfriend, her presence, keeps me from feeling these urges. I consider it a problem 1) because of my religion, 2) because, in my mind, I’m essentially cheating on my girlfriend with some pornstar, 3) if she knew that I was using, she would feel she’s not good enough for me, which is so not true
ReplyYou know, if someone tells you that you shouldn't think about a red elephant, you're going to think about a red elephant.
The religion part is a hard part. It is OKAY to watch porn, and NO, it's not cheating. We are all sexual beings. Maybe if you accept that it's normal for you to watch porn, and you're not hurting anyone with it, slowly you will realize that you need it less and less.
ReplyRespectfully, I disagree.
If you are a Christian and you do love God, then I believe that pornography is a sin an so is addiction. It is lust which the Bible clearly says is also as bad as adultery or fornication.
I know pornography is very hard to deal with and is very addictive (trust me I know) plus being in quarantine all alone and idle some of the time, it can even be harder to resist the temptations but I believe that if you hold on to God, pray fervently for strength and self control, God WILL help you.
I also think that you should try to distract yourself and be active to reduce temptation. You should also tell A about your addiction and rip the bandage off. Seeing how it affects her if you truly love her will devastate you and this will discourage you from watching porn again.
For A’s insecurity, I totally understand it. I think you should sit her down and discuss the whole thing heart to heart and ask for her to trust you. Tell her and show her that you choose her.
Lastly, pray for God’s help to show if she truly is the one for you and if she is to help her tryst you and to help you stay faithful to her for life.
Reply